


Liberate Me

by breatherepeat



Series: Human [3]
Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Dreams and Nightmares, Fluid Sexuality, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Content, Sexuality, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-08 09:50:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21474043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: Back on the road and dealing with the aftermath of the infection and the developing relationship between Kyle and Dan.
Relationships: Kyle Simmons/Dan Smith
Series: Human [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1537648
Comments: 16
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

“Dan, wait up!” Kyle yelled down the hallway.

They had arrived at their first venue of the tour and everyone was scattering. They had almost four hours until promo and everyone was taking their time. Dan was walking into the writing room. It was the perfect time to use to gather his thoughts about the upcoming tour and what it would mean with Kyle.

Dan walked into the room with Kyle right behind him. Turning around, he was forced against the door as Kyle shut it quickly. Before he could react, Kyle’s mouth was on his and Kyle’s hands were pulling at the sides of his shirt.

Dan’s mouth opened in shock and he found that Kyle took advantage of the opportunity. Kyle’s tongue was a bit frantic as it moved against his own.

Dan focused his attention on kissing back.

Raising his hands, he found the skin on Kyle’s back and pressed the tips of his fingers up until he was touching the top of Kyle’s shoulders. He hands were underneath Kyle’s shirt and he wanted it off.

Kyle kissed across his cheek to his ear. Whispering, Kyle asked, “I want to touch you everywhere. Can I touch you?”

Dan nodded his head and moved his hands down and out of Kyle’s shirt. Pulling at the back of it, he took it off and tossed it toward a chair in the room. He missed but he didn’t care. Kyle was stood in front of him with a bare chest and hungry eyes.

Kyle wanted him.

Kyle slowly moved his hands from Dan’s hips to the front of his shirt. Teasing the bottom, he moved it up and over Dan’s head.

Dan now stood without a shirt in front of Kyle. Dan felt his heart beat in his throat and found it was hard to concentrate on what was happening. He had been without his top in the pool ages ago, but they had never done anything without his shirt.

Dan felt Kyle looking at him, his eyes moving down from his blushing chest to his stomach.

The hunger in Kyle’s eyes faded and he snickered.

It turned into a laugh and Dan felt himself blushing more.

Kyle was laughing at him.

Kyle was being cruel to something Dan was extremely sensitive about.

He was not the most fit person but he was average. Much better than he had been.

He was not narrow and taunt like Kyle.

He told himself that all body types are valid and everyone deserved to be loved. He had the reminders of his past life on his skin. The stretch marks that had faded over time but were still there. His skin had tightened but it was still slightly loose around his middle.

Kyle’s laughter increased and Dan wanted his shirt back.

He wanted Kyle’s eyes off him.

He wanted Kyle gone.

Why was Kyle being so cruel?

“Dan.” Kyle laughed as he tried to get his name out. “Dan.”

Dan tuned out the voice and went to the spot in his mind. The one he used to get away from thoughts like this.

A place that was safe.

A place to hide.

“Dan.” Kyle’s voice was getting louder. “Wake up, Dan!”

Dan squinted and opened his eyes.

He was in a bare room with his laptop, a keyboard, and a microphone in front of him. He was in the writing room. He must have fallen asleep.

Kyle was leaning down with his hand on Dan’s arm, shaking him slightly. Dan was sat in a very uncomfortable folding chair.

It was a dream.

Kyle was not laughing at him.

“Hey, you with me?” Kyle asked seeing the lost expression on Dan’s face. Dan must have fallen asleep. They had been at the venue for a little over two hours. Their plane left early that morning and the majority of their day had been spent in travel. As usual, everyone scattered once they arrived at the venue. They would all come back together again when they were needed. Dan had waved everyone off and went to his room to write.

Kyle had went with Will and Woody to get coffee. Kyle did not drink it, but he wanted to get some for Dan.

“Got you a coffee.” Kyle smiled down to him as he held the paper cup in his hand. "Figured you could use it."

Kyle was smiling at him. Kyle loved him. Kyle wouldn’t laugh at him. It was just a stupid dream.

“Thank you.” Dan smiled back, hiding his eyes for a minute. Kyle was sweet and had gotten him a coffee. Kyle wasn’t laughing at him. Dan had the hood of his sweatshirt up and the two halves of the sweatshirt were folded over one another. It was his armour that protected him from people looking at him. Even though he knew it was a dream, he still wanted that protection from Kyle seeing him.

Kyle and Dan had slept the night apart from one another and consequently, Dan had slept very little. It was pathetic, but he was used to Kyle’s heat wrapped up around him and he missed him. He didn’t tell Kyle but he was sure that Kyle could guess that he was lacking sleep.

First gig of the tour and Dan was already exhausted. For Kyle, that was a worrying sign.

“You okay?” Kyle’s hand moved from Dan’s arm to his shoulder as he leaned forward and gave Dan a quick kiss on his lips. “You look a bit lost.”

“Fell asleep.” Dan reached for the coffee and took a sip. It was still quite hot and it woke him up. “Must have bored myself to sleep.”

Kyle pulled up another folding chair and sat so his chair was near Dan's by they were facing each other. He put his hands in his hoody pocket and tilted his head to the side as he asked, “Anything else? Worried about the interview?”

“A bit.” Dan took another sip of his coffee and studied Kyle’s face. He looked rested. Despite the early morning travel and sleeping apart from one another, he looked good. Kyle must have slept better than Dan. “What if they ask questions about it? They were told to keep it to a minimum but they are going to ask. And what if everyone is staring during the show? They are not going to sing along. They are going to be analyzing my every move. And, their phones! I’m going to be zoomed in on and picked apart. Maybe we just cancel tonight? No one is going to come. They all think we are rubbish now. That I have a drug habit and we all sold out.”

“There he is.” Kyle smiled. Dan had been holding it together throughout the plane ride and the trip to the venue. He told everyone he was fine and he was ready for the show tonight. This was what he was used to dealing with with Dan. “My neurotic boyfriend is freaking about the gig. Finally. I was wondering where you were hiding.”

“Don’t tease me.” Dan took another drink of the coffee and bumped Kyle’s arm with his own. He looked over briefly and then back to what he had been working on before he fell asleep. It wasn't much.

Being back on tour was a lot and he was struggling to manage his nerves. It would be the first show back. The first time he would be back on stage. Everyone’s eyes were going to be on him whether he wanted them or not. During a normal gig he didn’t want the attention. Now he wished he had gone Sia and incorporated a wig to hide behind on stage. Not that he was anywhere near Sia level.

“Say your duck word.” Kyle found Dan’s hand to squeeze. He was used to a nervous Dan before a show. This was a bit different because something bad had actually happened last time, but it was a fluke and Dan would find he could get through this as well.

“That is just for…” Dan blushed before he could say the word. They hadn’t gone further since the night before the tour send off. Dan kept reliving the events in his head though. He knew what Kyle tasted like on the most visceral level and he loved that he was someone that could manage that now. It was like he was a proper adult in a proper relationship. “You know.”

“Actually, I don’t.” Kyle leaned in closer and brushed his lips across Dan’s ear. “You haven’t let me return the favour yet. When can I suck you? I want to taste you.”

Dan knew his face was red. He could feel the warmth on his cheeks and he knew Kyle could see. He wanted to know what it felt like on the other end but he wasn’t sure. He knew it was only a dream before, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Kyle was going to be disappointed.

Or worse: He would laugh at him like in the dream.

The dream wasn’t new. He had them over the years. The people always changed but their reaction was always the same. Mocking him over something as stupid as a bit of faded stretch marks on his stomach and sides.

Kyle must know they are there. He had seen them over the years. Maybe he never really looked before, but he must know they are there.

He must have felt them before. Skin that was slightly different than the smoother skin around it.

He couldn’t bear to have Kyle laugh at him. He just couldn’t.

“Not here.” Dan looked toward the door and found that Kyle had shut it. He wondered if it had a lock. Kyle was still near his ear and kissing along it. Kyle’s lips felt good and he missed them on his lips. Turning his head, he found Kyle’s lips and kissed him like Kyle did in his dream. Reckless and with wanted.

Kyle really did want to know what it would feel like, and taste like, to suck Dan off. He had been on the receiving end countless times before but never the giver. While Dan was not the best in technique, he was the best in that Kyle loved him the most of anyone that had ever sucked him off. He wanted to show Dan the same love.

And selfishly he knew that it would get him off as well. He would be freaking out a bit, but also living out a fantasy he had for almost a year now.

“Where?” Kyle rested his head against Dan’s as he tried to catch his breathing. Dan kept giving him short kisses and pulling at his hoody to keep him close. “We don’t have a hotel stay until forever. We can’t on the bus. Dan, I want you in my mouth.”

Dan swallowed and pulled back. He was too close to Kyle and he couldn’t think like this. He wanted Kyle and it was making him dumb. He really wanted to just have Kyle get on his knees on the floor and open his jeans right now. But he also wanted something more special than that as his first memory of Kyle going that for him. Of anyone doing that for him.

“Fuck.” Dan moved his chair back to give them some space between them. He could see that Kyle was worked up and he really wanted to give in. But he couldn’t. “I dunno. Soon.”

"Can we just...here?" Kyle smiled over. They had time. They had privacy in the room. He had locked the door. It might be the only opportunity they will have for a long while. He wanted to try it. He could make Dan feel so good he wouldn't have the energy to worry about tonight. "Please?"

Dan looked toward the door again and then back to Kyle before looking forward toward the computer. He wanted to but it just felt wrong to do it here. This room was supposed to be for working on the album and maybe a clean space to have interviews.

"I dunno." Dan looked toward the door again and then Kyle. Kyle wasn't going to hurt him. Kyle loved him. Kyle wanted this. "It just seems so impersonal to do it here."

"It is us. That is all that matters." Kyle leaned forward and found Dan's eyes. "I really want to try it. I want to make you feel good. Maybe release some stress."

"People would know." Dan looked down to his lap. That would be embarrassing and so wrong for everyone to find out like that. Or, they would think he is in here alone and doing that to himself. Or with someone else even. "I wouldn't be able to focus on anything beside the fact someone could walk in or just walk by and know."

Kyle moved back into his seat. He knew Dan wasn't rejecting him. Dan was worried and he knew he needed to respect this or Dan would push him away. Or start to shut down.

"Okay." Kyle nodded. Moving his hand down Dan's arm, he took Dan's hand again. "What are you working on?"

"Nothing. Fell asleep before I could do anything." Dan took a breath and switched his attention back to the song. "It might not go anywhere. I just keep thinking about the stupid interview and then tonight."

"If you could do anything right now, what would you do?" Kyle squeezed Dan's hand and waited for him to look over. "Besides being alone with me at home."

"Honestly, I would sleep." Dan rubbed his forehead with his free hand and the brushed his fingers through his hair, knocking the hood off. Turning toward Kyle, he continued. "I want to lie my head on your shoulder and have you brush your fingers through my hair until I fall sleep. I couldn't sleep last night. Pathetic, right?"

"I couldn't sleep well neither." Kyle smiled as he raised his hands and took over brushing through Dan's hair. He used both of his hands, focusing on the top of his head and back then moving down the sides before repeating.

Dan closed his eyes and leaned his head forward. Damn, it was so much better when Kyle did it. "I could sleep like this. I might just. Catch me if I fall?"

"Without question." Kyle smiled as he pulled Dan closer to him. It was awkward because of the chairs so he moved the chairs closer as Dan's rested his head on his shoulder.

Dan did not fully fall asleep but he calmed himself enough that when it was time for the interview, his skin did not feel like it was buzzing any more.

The interview went fairly well. There was a few questions about the health scare and how Dan was recovering from it. Dan answered the first few questions and then steered the questions back to the show. Kyle started talking about the new album and the interviewer took the hint.

Now they were waiting to go on stage and the buzzing was back.

Dan leaned back against the wall and tried to find things around him to ground him, but it was getting harder as the time seemed to take forever.

Kyle watched as Dan leaned against the wall. There was only a few of them in the hallway. Two crew members and someone from the venue beside Will and Woody. Walking closer, he stood in front of Dan so all Dan could see was Kyle. If they were alone, he would have stood closer but he couldn't. Dan looked up at him and tried to smile, but it was a half smile that looked more like Dan was in pain rather than anything else.

"Hey." Kyle gave him a true smile. "Focus on me out there if it gets to be too much. I will mouth 'duck' and it will make you laugh."

"Thank you." Dan laughed, keeping his eyes on Kyle's. He was not going to be alone out there. He had his people right next to him. Kyle would be in his sight line and it would hopefully be enough to help him through it. He always got through it. Except last time but that was just because of the infection. He was going to be fine.

"Two minutes." Someone shouted down the hallway.

"You got this." Kyle reassured him again. Dan nodded back at him and they went to the side stage.

The audience was excited. The floor was dark and people were cheering knowing that they would soon be on.

Woody and then Will walked out.

Kyle gave him a quick smile and then walked out.

Dan closed his eyes and let out his breath slowly. 

Opening his eyes, he took his first step on the stage.

It was loud.

Walking to his mic, he looked toward Kyle and saw him mouth 'duck.'

Turning to the audience, he started, "So how is everyone tonight? I hope everyone is alright."

Dan smiled. His heart was racing and his hands were shaking a bit. He held the mic tighter and looked around the room. It was full. It was sold out and it looked like everyone came. 

He tuned out the voice inside his head that told him they came to see him fail. Or fall. Or both. 

"Thank you for coming tonight." Dan spoke into the mic as he looked down toward the keyboard. "I am not going to promise that I'm not going to fuck up tonight, but I can assure you that I'm healthy. And, the show must go on." 

Woody gave him a drum roll at the reference.

"Hey, Dan." Woody spoke into his mic. "Want to get on with this? The venue shuts down at 11." 

"Thank you, Woody." Dan laughed in his direction. "Well go on then." 

The first song started and it was just like any other gig they had ever played. Fucking terrifying yet he lived through it. 


	2. Chapter 2

Tour life was really quite simple. 

Wake around noon. 

Find something to eat and a place to use the toilet. 

Dick around for a few hours. 

Sound check. 

Eat something.

Dick around some more, or do an interview. 

Eat something. 

Complete the show. 

Engage with the people that wait after the show. 

Have a drink with your mates. 

Find your bed. 

Try to sleep. 

Repeat in a different city. 

It was their life now and it was surprising how much it still felt like a dream. 

People cared about them. People cared about the music that came from his head and he put onto a device. Music that he shared with the group and they learned to play. And people paid to see them play it.

It was surreal that he was working on a second album. 

If he really stopped and thought about it, he would probably panic and hide away in a cave somewhere. 

So he just kept doing that he had been doing for years and wrote what came from his brain. He couldn’t think about if people would like it. Of if it was going to be played on the radio. Because that still did not feel like real life to him. 

They were three dates into the tour and waiting around for the lady that was supposed to interview them. She was late and Dan was on time. 

That should have been the first clue that the day was not on their side. 

Dan pulled at his shirt and shifted in his spot on the sofa. It was old and worn out. He was fairly sure that his ass was touching the ground in how low the sofa was because of repeated use. 

He wondered what famous asses had sat in this spot to wear it down and then he started laughing to himself. 

“What?” Kyle turned his head away from Woody’s shoes and looked toward Dan laughing to himself next to him. They hadn’t had much alone time and he was itching to touch him. His hands got so used to touching him all the time during the hotel stay and then their brief break in London. Now he didn’t know what to do with his hands. 

Kyle found himself reaching for him every now and then, but then he would stop himself wondering what it would look like to whoever was around them. He had never been someone that ever thought about such things. He touched people all the time. To the point that some of his straight mates thought he was putting the moves on them at times. He wasn’t. It also didn’t help that he had the habit of calling people “babes” and “baby,” even if he did not know them. He almost got punched once when he called a hunch man “baby” on the Tube last year. That was fun. 

“Nothing.” Dan leaned forward and let out another giggle. Maybe he was losing his mind a bit. He hadn’t been able to sleep the night before. He kept waking up from disturbing dreams. Kyle was sound asleep across the hallway from him and Dan would have given anything for the bunk to just be a bit bigger so that they could share. And that no one would say anything if he tried. “Fucking losing it. That’s all.” 

“You okay?” Kyle leaned in closer and asked so only Dan could hear. He seemed like himself but now Kyle had the constant worry that maybe Dan was hiding something from him. 

“Yes. Just going a bit mad.” Dan pulled his jacket tighter around him and let out another laugh. “Trying to get use to the new sleep pattern. It is nothing.” 

“Yeah-” Kyle was cut off by a lady entering the room and apologizing for being late. 

“So sorry, everyone.” A lady entered the room with another woman with a camera. “I had it written at the wrong time and I had to rush to get over here. Might have caused a car accident. I will make it short to make up for it.”

“Karen, they don’t care about this.” The lady setting up the camera spoke to the interviewer as she rolled her eyes. The one with the camera looked annoyed, but she also looked like the type that was just annoyed with people in general. She had dyed purple hair and various layers of dark clothes. A stark contrast to the professional attire that Karen wore. “Get on with it.” 

“I feel bad because I kept them waiting. I was just giving an explanation as to why.” Karen brushed back her blond hair and gave a fake smile toward the other lady. “It is the professional thing to do, Franny.” 

“I told you not to call me that!” The woman shouted at Karen as she raised her hands off the camera on the stand. “You know what, forget it. Tell Dad that I don’t need your attitude. See you at Christmas, bitch!” 

“I’m sorry. Fuck, Frank come back here.” Karen walked toward the door but Frank was gone. “I’m so incredibly sorry. I can’t believe I’m related to her. I swear she was adopted or switched at birth.” 

“Siblings, right?” Kyle smiled toward Karen as she went behind the camera and started zooming out to get everyone in the frame. 

“I’m just going to let it run and edit it down later.” Karen smiled back to them and found her chair. Looking at the camera screen she saw that she was in frame and then turned. “Ready? Of course you are ready. I’m really sorry about all of this. I normally have my shit together. It has just been a day and..and this is not about me.” 

“Deep breaths, baby.” Kyle leaned back further into the sofa and gave a reassuring smile. “You are fine. And we are ready when you are.” 

“Thanks.” Karen smiled back and then brushed back her hair. 

Dan watched the blush creep up Karen’s throat and saw the look she gave Kyle. She was flirting with him or at least interested in him. He could understand, Kyle was a charmer and had a way of easing the people around him. 

Probably why Dan was so drawn to him. 

“You are welcome.” Kyle smiled again. “So, questions for us? We are full of answers.” 

Dan bit the inside of his mouth, right underneath his lip and looked toward his fingers as he picked at the zip on his jacket. Kyle would flirt with anything and it typically meant nothing, but it was weird to see him do it now. 

“Yes, oh course.” Karen said quickly and brushed back her hair. 

Will looked over toward Dan and noticed he was focusing too much on his zip. Kyle was flirting with her and she was interested. She appeared to have a nervous habit of brushing her hair off her shoulder. Will wondered how Dan was going to handle this one. 

Kyle was a mix between an introvert and an extrovert, with Kyle naturally falling into flirting patterns with other people. It almost got him hit a few times. 

Will learned through the years that Kyle did not even realize he was doing it. Because when he tried to flirt, he was a disaster and stumbled over his words. 

Woody looked between Dan, Kyle, and Karen. Raising his eyebrow toward Will, Woody thought this interview would be interesting. A true test of the relationship as it were. 

Karen was able to get herself together enough to go through her list of questions. They were basic ones that any one of them could answer in their sleep by now. They tried to make interviews interesting by adding random information into them at times. 

Sometimes non-factual information. Woody was on one right now and it was about Kyle and how he practices his dance moves in the mirrors of the venues before they go on stage. 

Karen laughed a bit too loud at the joke and Dan bit harder at the skin in his mouth. He zoned out and kept his attention on the zip. It was a newer jacket and the zip was shiny. The light from the room was hitting it just right and it appeared to shimmer. He looked up when he found everyone went quiet. There were many eyes on him. 

“I’m sorry, what?” Dan felt his neck getting red and he released the skin from between his teeth. Looking around the room and then focusing on Karen, Dan continued embarrassed. “Zoned out a minute. The zip. It is extra shiny. It’s new. I’m sorry. What did you say?” 

“It was been well documented about the infection and how it led to you fainting during the concert last month. I went through Twitter questions earlier today for the interview, everyone is asking if you are better. Even after three shows with no issues, people are worried about you.” Karen had a serious look on her face like she was concerned about him. 

Great question to have while he zoned out on a shiny object. 

“I’m adjusting to having so many people concerned about me. It is awkward for me to have that much attention on me.” Dan looked down to the zip and kept his eyes there for the rest of the answer. “I dunno. I feel lucky that people care that much about some dumb pasty guy that makes music for a living but there are so many other important things to worry about than me. I’m fine. Seriously. I was overworking myself and the infection found me with a weakened immune system. I learned that ignoring things is not healthy and I need to focus more on myself. If that makes any sense? I’m doing better this run. I’m trying to do better this run.” 

“I heard you watched the videos.” Karen looked down to her notes and then back up. “I don’t know if I could see myself like that.” 

“Same. It was dumb. But, I dunno. I had to see. Like a personal horror film. Just couldn't not look.” Dan looked up briefly from the zip. “But, I’m fine. Honestly. I’m fine.” 

“There is one that shows you falling, a guy taking the majority of the fall, and then Kyle running up to you.” Karen brushed back her hair as her hand trembled. “I heard that you were trying to find the name of the man. Have you?” 

“A few people have sent names but I do not believe we know his name yet.” Dan paused and looked up. “Why? Did you hear something?” 

“I wish.” Karen laughed. “Wouldn’t it be amazing if he was here? And I surprised you with him? I can’t even get my sister to do her job.” 

“Oh course.” Dan looked toward Will and then Woody. They both looked bored. “Sorry.” 

“Kyle, there is a video of you running into the crowd following Dan passing out.” Karen put her interviewer face back on and directed the question to Kyle. “What was going through your mind when you saw him on the ground, unresponsive?” 

Kyle looked over at Dan and found his eyes were back on the zip of the jacket. Dan did not like them talking this much about the incident during interviews, but it seemed liked an important question to answer. “I was scared...worried, you know? I knew, knew he was ill that day. I hoped...he was okay. But...but he sorted it out. He is good now. We are all looking out for each other a bit more this time ‘round.” 

“That is sweet.” Karen looked like she was trying to not stare at Kyle but she was failing. Maybe because Dan seemed more interested in the zipper than engaging in conversation, Will seemed to have checked out of the conversation after the first minute, and Woody kept looking toward the door each time someone walked past it. Kyle was the only one giving her eye contact. “Do you have people that check in on you? Friends? Family? Girlfriends?” 

“Will and Woody are spoken for.” Kyle found he got their attention with his answer. Now he had them both staring back at him wondering how he was going to answer the question for himself and Dan. “I had someone but it didn’t work out. Dan, he is just the tragic loner that is in a relationship with his work.” 

“If I had that talent, I would be in a relationship with it as well.” Karen kept her eyes on Kyle as she thanked them all for their time. 

Dan raised his head when he noticed the others were moving. Karen appeared to be done with them. He thanked her and shook her hand before leaving. 

Will and Woody followed behind Dan after thanking her as well. 

Kyle offered his hand to shake hers and found she was blushing and her hand was shaking. “Thank you.” 

“No, thank you. It was a good interview?” Karen laughed as she slowly let go of Kyle’s hand. “Besides the unprofessional family drama in the beginning. I’m glad he is okay. Dan that is.” 

“Aren’t we all.” Kyle laughed back. “Cheers. See ya ‘round.” 

“Wait.” Karen swallowed and brushed back her hair again. “Sorry if this is forward, but...were you flirting with me? Because I...am definitely interested.” 

Kyle’s smile fell from his face. Damnit. “No, no. I’m...shit. Sorry. I’m...yeah. No, I wasn’t. You seem like a great lady but...I’m...yeah...no. Oh, fuck this is awkward. Please don’t keep that in.” 

Kyle pointed toward the camera that was still filming despite it just showing their legs now. 

Karen apologized again and turned to stop the camera as Kyle thanked her again and left the room. 

“Did you see where he went?” Kyle asked Will in the main dressing room. Will was shaking his head at him. Woody was on the other side of the room and snickering. Turning to face him, Kyle asked, “What?” 

“Way to flirt with her right in front of him.” Woody copied Will and shook his head at him. “Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you lot. Don’t come crying to me when you are kicked off the bus.” 

“I wasn’t...was I?” Kyle kept turning between the two. Neither of them were answering him and he knew his answer. “Fuck, I was? I don’t do it on purpose. It is just...I’m just like that. Fucking hell, I flirt with both of you all the time.” 

“But, we know that is just you. She didn’t.” Will reached for his water and opened the cap. “And Dan...he saw her react back to it and you didn’t stop it.” 

“I...shit. I didn't know!” Kyle crossed his arms. “Where did he go?” 

Both Will and Woody shrugged their shoulders at him. 

“Tell him I want to talk to him if you find him.” Kyle ran his fingers through his hair and went on the search. 

He didn’t find him until right before they were to go on. Dan told him he was fine and he even gave him a smile. Kyle brushed it off and put it behind him. He told himself he would need to watch it during future interviews. 

The show was good. Dan was bouncing around more than he had in the past few shows. He seemed like he was finally getting over the embarrassment of being back on stage after fainting in the crowd. Kyle was happy for him. 

After the show, Dan was sweaty and headed toward the shower before they had to get back on the bus. 

Kyle followed him. They hadn’t been alone all day. They hadn’t touched since the day before and that was brief because there were people everywhere. He figured the shower area would give them some privacy. 

“Hey, wait.” Kyle jogged over toward him and slipped inside the door before Dan shut it. 

It was off the main dressing room, with a door leading to a short hallway and then the shower. They were stood in the hallway and the door to the dressing room was shut. 

“Hi.” Kyle smiled and stepped closer. He kissed him and felt Dan’s whole body tense so he stopped. “What’s the matter?” 

“What are you doing?” Dan hugged his bag closer to him. He was sweaty and gross and he really just wanted to have a quick shower and attempt to sleep. He did not want Kyle anywhere near him right now. Especially if he thought they were going to do anything. 

“I’ve missed you.” Kyle said hurt. He had. Even before he made himself feel like an idiot flirting with the interview lady. He knew they were adjusting to being back on tour and figuring out what that meant for their relationship. But he wanted time with him and it seemed like a great opportunity for alone time. “We haven’t had any time together. I thought...maybe...” 

“Maybe what?” Dan narrowed his eyes toward Kyle. His tone was harsher than he intended. He didn't quite feel like himself. It wasn't the interview earlier. The dreams were getting more intense. A few of the dreams were set in an area like this. “That we were going to do something here? Or in the shower?” 

“Why would that be so bad?” Kyle took another step closer and saw Dan flinch. He was acting odd. “What did I do? Why are you acting like that? Like I’m going to hurt you.” 

“Just go back out there.” Dan turned and continued walking to the shower. It was stupid to punish him for the dream version of Kyle going to far and not listening to him. But he felt dumb saying he wanted him to leave because the dream version didn't listen to him and forced all his clothes off. He just wasn't ready for that. He felt Kyle’s hand on his arm and then his body tensed. “Don’t.” 

“Talk to me.” Kyle’s voice was soft. “Please.” 

“I don’t want you touching me right now.” Dan pushed Kyle’s hand off his arm and soon had Kyle closer to him. Dan wondered if he was dreaming again. “Stop.” 

“Why?” Kyle stood his ground and let out a frustrated breath. He was being impossible and Kyle knew he was reacting badly himself but he couldn't drop it. He missed him and loved him and now it felt like Dan was ending it all. “What did I do? Was it that lady? I didn’t mean to flirt. You know how I am! It just happens. I don't mean anything by it.” 

“No, I know. It isn't that..” Dan shook his head and tried to move backward but Kyle took another step closer to him. Dan felt his body go in protection mode and he could hear everything amplified around him. “I know. You just have that charm. I’m not upset. I just need you to go.” 

“Dan, I miss you.” Kyle took another step closer and again saw Dan tense at his movement. “Dammit, what did I do? Why do you keep doing that?” 

“I told you. I don’t want you here.” Dan hugged the bag closer and waited. He repeated in his head, '_please go, please go_.'

“Tell me why.” Kyle felt his voice shake. He wanted to know why. They could work on it if he just told him why. “Please.” 

“I DON’T KNOW.” Dan shouted, frustrated and tired. He took a long breath in and then out. Quieting his voice. “I just know that I don’t want you here. Not right now. Please just go.”

“No.” Kyle shook his head. He wanted an answer and he knew Dan was hiding something. He knew Dan needed to be guided at times to talk. “Don’t do this. Don’t push me away. Please.” 

Kyle raised his hand to touch Dan and Dan flinched again. “What is that?” 

“Stop.” Dan moved back another step and he hit the wall behind him. He could feel his heart start to react more and he really just wanted it to be over. “Just leave.” 

“I don’t understand.” Kyle didn’t listen to the voice in his head that was telling him to drop it and took another step closer. Another one and he would be pushing Dan back against the wall. “Talk to me. Tell me what this is.” 

“I can’t.” Dan spoke low and toward his chest. “Please. Just go.” 

“I love you.” Kyle kept trying. “I’m in love with you.” 

“I know.” Dan felt his heart going too fast and he was starting to feel dizzy. He was afraid and it was not because Kyle was physically so close to him. Kyle loved him. Kyle wouldn’t hurt him. “I love you but I need you to just go away.” 

Kyle shifted his weight and raised both of his hands in surrender. He turned and walked the short distance back toward the other door and then out. 

Kyle was at a loss for what that was back there. Whatever it was, it was unsettling.


	3. Chapter 3

Slowly opening Kyle’s curtain, Dan found Kyle asleep. It is what most typical people are doing at 5 o’clock in the morning. At least what most typical people on tour do at 5 in the morning.

Unlike him with his overactive brain and the stupid dreams. They were getting worse and now they always woke him up. If he managed to fall back asleep, he went right back into another one.

It was time to face his fears. Much like getting himself on stage, he just had to take a deep breath and go. It was going to be nerve wracking but he always survived.

Kyle was curled on his side facing toward Dan. He had headphones on but Dan couldn’t hear music coming from them. His phone must have turned off. Kyle looked peaceful. Dan hated that it was so easy for Kyle to sleep when Dan felt like this.

Why couldn’t Dan just be normal?

Fall in love and be with that person. And just get on with life.

But that wasn’t his reality. This one was and he needed to sort it out.

Kyle was a saint for putting up with his shit and he really didn't know what he did to deserve his attention.

Moving back the headphones covering his ear, Dan leaned forward and whispered Kyle’s name into his ear. It didn’t work so he tried again, a bit louder but still mindful that everyone else on the bus was asleep.

The second time didn’t work either, so Dan switched his tactics and kissed him. The quick peck was not working so Dan licked across Kyle’s lips and forced his tongue into Kyle’s mouth.

Kyle let out a soft moan into his mouth and started sleepily kissing him back. Dan smiled into the kiss and rested his hand against Kyle’s cheek.

Kyle realized what was happening and opened his eyes to find Dan leaning into his bunk. He could hear the engine and the wheels moving so he knew they were still driving. Pulling away from the kiss, Kyle found that it was dark. Likely still late at night.

“What’s wrong?” Kyle found Dan’s eyes in the dark and waited for an explanation. Dan spoke with only a few people that waited after the show before going straight to his bunk. They hadn’t talked about what happened after the show near the shower. “Are you okay?”

“Probably not.” Dan smiled at Kyle’s concern. He didn’t know what he did to deserve such great mates. Maybe it was worth it to suffer through adolescence without any true mates if it meant he would have such great ones when he was older. First Ralph and later Kyle. And Kyle loved him back the same way Dan loved him. “Come with me.”

“Where?” Kyle whispered back. They were on the bus and there were not many places they could go to without someone near.

“Please.” Dan took his hand off Kyle’s cheek and found his hand. Shifting his feet, he waited for Kyle to move. He did after a pause and soon Dan was guiding them toward the back of the bus. The back was set up as a lounge and mini recording space.

The best thing about the space was that it had a door and was semi-soundproof.

Dan waited for Kyle to enter and then he reached behind him to shut the door. Taking a deep breath, he gently pushed Kyle against the door to not make too much noise and kissed him.

It was how most of his dreams began, only Kyle always initiated the kiss.

And then he would pull at Dan’s clothes and Dan would protest but he wouldn’t fight back.

Then Kyle would either laugh or look at him with pity. Dan didn’t know which one was worse but he hated them both.

Kyle responded back to the kiss and moved his hands around Dan’s back to hold him close. He liked it when Dan took what he wanted and didn’t second guess himself. He knew Dan would get stuck in his head and stop himself from doing things he wanted. He was proud that Dan was taking charge of this want.

They still needed to talk but Kyle was more than happy to kiss him breathless in the meantime.

Dan reached for Kyle’s shirt and moved his hands underneath the front. His goal was to move it down into Kyle’s worn joggers but he took a detour up to find Kyle’s nipple first. Kyle moaned into his mouth so he stayed there for a minute and then moved his fingertips down towards his joggers. His hand easily slid past the joggers and his pants until he found his cock. Kyle wasn’t fully hard but was getting there.

Dan liked it when Kyle was hard because it meant that Kyle liked what he was doing. That Kyle liked him. Dan also liked how Kyle felt in his hand and how Kyle would forget to kiss back if Dan squeezed just a bit too hard near the head.

Kyle raised his hands to the back of Dan’s neck and held him close to him. He tried to keep his focus on kissing but it was hard with Dan’s hand on him. Very hard.

Kyle wanted more. He wanted to touch him and kiss him more than just on his lips. He wanted to taste him and feel him in mouth. He wanted to show Dan how wonderful it was when Dan did that to him.

Squeezing his eyes as Dan’s hand stroked up and down his length, Kyle savored the moment for a second and then moved one of his hands down to stop Dan’s movements.

“Wait. Wait.” Kyle kissed the side of Dan’s mouth and then right underneath his eye as Dan’s hand stopped. Kyle opened his eyes to find Dan looking back at him. He looked fucking amazing like this. Giving into his want and showing how much he wanted Kyle. “This is wicked but, and I hate that I’m being this person, but we need to talk.”

“No.” Dan shook his head and squeezed his hand. Kyle shut his eyes with the pressure and Dan heard him let out a soft moan. Kyle’s baritone voice was getting lower and it sounded amazing that he was the cause of it.

He felt powerful.

Unlike his dreams where he was made to feel powerless.

“Yes.” Kyle took Dan’s hand in his own and moved it off him. Dan resisted the interruption but he allowed Kyle to move their hands in the end. Kyle wrapped their fingers together and held their hands close. “I love this and that you are being so forward with what you want, but we seriously need to talk. You freaked out on me earlier and I need to know what that was before we do anything else.”

“So what is it? Do you want me or not?” Dan took a step away from Kyle and bit at his lip. Kyle didn't let go of his hand and they stayed grasped between them. “You were all for it before at the venue and now you want to talk?”

“No. I wanted to talk at the venue but you pushed me away.” Kyle stopped his voice from raising. Centering himself. “You turned it into me wanting sex. I just literally wanted to spend time alone with you.”

“I couldn’t have you near me like that.” Dan looked toward their feet and was happy it was darker back here. He could still see Kyle’s face but the light in the room created shadows Dan could hide in. “It was too similar. To...fuck...it is so stupid. Why do I let myself get like this?”

“Like what? What is stupid?” Kyle stayed where he was. Dan was talking and he didn’t want to jeopardize it by moving.

“I keep having these dreams. These terrible dreams where you find me and start kissing me.” Dan let out the breath he had been holding. “It turns to more than kissing and you...you don’t stop when I tell you to stop.”

“I would never.” Kyle started to object but Dan stopped him.

“No. Just let me get this out.” Dan raised his hands and rested them on Kyle’s waist. “You pull at my clothes and take them off. Then I’m naked and…”

“What?” Kyle swallowed. He hated to think what actions he was doing in Dan’s dreams that was making him react like this and push him away. He knew how much Dan was struggling being vulnerable in a relationship with him given his past experiences. “What do I do?”

“You look at me and you laugh.” Dan moved closer and rested his head on Kyle’s shoulder. “Or you look at me with such pity. I hate it. I hate that you would look at me like that. I hate that you would look at me at all like that. Without clothes.”

Kyle pulled Dan in closer and kissed the back of his head. He moved his hands to rest along Dan’s back. Kyle knew about the body image issues Dan had. Dan never talked about it outside of the short throw away comments here or there.

Like the comment of always feeling like that fat kid with no friends. Or reaching for clothing that was too big for him and being surprised when it didn’t fit.

“Dan, I love you not for your body but for who you are.” Kyle kissed the back of his head again and felt Dan start to pull away. “Please, stay.”

Dan closed his eyes and stayed. He liked it here. Close to Kyle but able to hide from his eyes. Kyle’s eyes were amazing but he felt so awkward when Kyle looked at him during moments like this. Dan wished he had on his sweatshirt or something else he could hide behind but it was too warm on the bus for that.

“Not that I don’t love your body.” Kyle smiled pressing his mouth into Dan’s hair. “I like to watch it dance across the stage and move against mine like right now. I love that it is ticklish right underneath your ribs and if I touch it there, you giggle so hard you almost stop breathing. I love that it comes with an amazing personality and brain. I know you are not perfect. But no one is. I don’t care what you look like, but I love that you look like you do.”

“I don’t want to take my clothes off around you.” Dan heard what Kyle was saying but there was a part of his brain that just did not want to accept it. It was a leftover part from his teenage years that knew how cruel and superficial people could be toward one another. “Maybe ever.”

“I’m good going whatever pace you are comfortable with.” Kyle moved his hands underneath Dan’s jaw and raised his head so he could see him. “Honest. Just please, please, please don’t shut me out. Talk to me.”

“I am.” Dan looked away and then back. “Right now. I’m talking to you. I just couldn’t get myself to say it earlier. It is like there is a block on my ability to talk. It was too similar to the dreams. I had to just take a breath and do it though.”

“Thank you.” Kyle smiled at him and chased his eyes when he tried to look away. “Hey, I love you. I’m not going to be scared off. I understand this is not easy for you. I do. I’m fucking terrified myself and I get nervous when you stop talking to me. I just keep thinking that you are going to end this, or talk yourself into thinking I’m going it end it.”

“I’m sorry.” Dan kept eye contact with Kyle and stepped in closer, pushing Kyle back against the door.

“I know.” Kyle kept his smile and kissed Dan. Dan kissed him back and they were close to where this all started but Dan kept his hands to himself. Kyle decided to move his hand down into Dan’s pants and found he was hard as well.

Kyle moved his hand up and down in even movements and closed his eyes as Dan sighed into his touch. He seemed to like his hand and appeared to be in a good place after their talk. He wondered if he would let him here.

“No pressure, but…” Kyle moved his lips to Dan’s ear. Whispering so his lips moved across Dan’s ear, Kyle asked, “Can I suck you here? It is private and not some random backstage room.”

“Not in a place that people go to on the bus. Or that I go to to write.” Dan shook his head. If Kyle did that here, that would be all he would think about when he returned.

“Okay, next night off, you are mine.” Kyle stroked Dan and cupped his balls before going back to the even movements up and down. “We will get a hotel room and I’m going to make you come so hard, you will not worry about anything else.”

“Pretty cocky for someone who has never done it before.” Dan kissed along Kyle’s throat until he found the spot underneath his ear. Kyle had a pulse point there and he would gasp if Dan sucked on it. Dan loved that spot. Dan pressed his lips against it and Kyle gave him the reaction he expected.

“You were pretty good at it.” Kyle bit at the lobe on Dan’s ear. “Especially for it being your first time. I think I loved it more because it was you. I can only imagine how good you will be with practice. We need to practice on each other.”

Dan kissed the pulse point one last time and moved to Kyle’s lips. Speaking in between kisses, Dan teased, “Next hotel stay, we can practice.”

Kyle moaned at the thought and then closed his eyes when he felt Dan's hand on him again. They were both hard and moving against each other. He had missed this more than he thought he did. "I love this, you know. Being this close with you."

Dan smiled into the kiss and pressed into Kyle's hand.

Soon they were both panting against each other's mouths and resting against one another while they caught their breaths.

After a few minutes of just breathing together, Dan reluctantly stood back and found some tissue to clean his hand. He handed some over to Kyle next and shied away from the content smirk on Kyle's face.

"I've never had this before." Kyle walked closer to Dan and held his hand on the back of Dan's neck. "Never like this."

Dan looked away but Kyle followed him and waited for him to look back at him.

"Honest."

Kyle reached for Dan's hand and squeezed it.

Dan couldn't find his words so he nodded and rested his forehead against Kyle's. He liked this. He liked that Kyle listened and gave him assurance that he loved him.

"Think you will be able to sleep now?" Kyle kissed near Dan's mouth as he swayed them slightly.

Dan shook his head. He really wanted to sleep next to Kyle but that would be impossible.

"Think we could fit in a bunk together?" Kyle asked.

"No."

Kyle talked him into trying. Dan went into his bunk first and moved the furthered back on his side. Kyle got in next, also on his side. It was a tight fit but it worked. Dan used the arm he was not lying on to pull Kyle closer to him.

Kyle rested his head next to Dan and whispered for him to sleep and Dan listened. He finally slept without a stupid dream waking him up.

The next morning the rest of the crew knew something was going on between them.

Coop had blindly ran into Kyle's foot as it hung outside of Dan's bunk. Rubbing his eyes, he peeked inside and saw them huddled close together. He smiled and went to find his breakfast.


	4. Chapter 4

“Oh man, you will not believe what-” Woody bounced into the room to be silenced by Kyle.

They were in the backstage room. Kyle was sitting on a wide sofa with Dan resting his head in his lap. Dan was facing toward Kyle and had his hood covering his head. Kyle raised his hand from his spot on Dan’s shoulder to holt Woody’s loud, excited voice.

Dan had been fighting off a cold for the past few days. He was resting in between shows and drinking more water to flush it out of his system. There was a special throat coating tea he had been drinking. And trying to get more fruit and veg rather than trash food. He was getting better but he decided to ditch the interview to rest. Kyle stayed behind to watch over him because he figured it made more sense to send two people rather than three. There would be less questions that way.

Dan had been sleeping more after their talk, but they couldn’t continue to sleep in one bunk so it had been harder to get enough rest in. He fell asleep as soon as he tucked himself against Kyle and felt the pressure of Kyle’s fingers moving up and down his upper arm.

Dan twitched when Woody’s voice entered the room but he settled once Kyle stopped Woody from being loud.

“He is asleep.” Kyle said in a lower volume that his typical voice. He wanted Dan to sleep as much as he could before going on tonight. He heard him in his bunk last night not sleeping and he knew he needed it. “What is it?”

“Remember that interview lady we had about two weeks ago?” Woody walked in further to the room and moved a folding chair toward where Kyle sat. Will walked in at the same time and found a chair as well. “The one that was late and you flirted with?”

“Okay. Yeah?” Kyle rested his hand on Dan’s shoulder and found he was still sleeping. Looking between Woody and Will, he waited. Will had a smirk on his face and Woody was dying to tell him something.

“Well, the lady had a sister, right? She took the footage and edited it together to look like you were flirting with the lady and Dan was upset by it. Then she put in the bit you had at the end, so it looked like you were upset with her for filming. And you rejecting her.” Woody brushed back the hair off his forehead and leaned in closer. “The sister put it online, through the radio station they work for, and people started sharing it before it was taken down. Now, there are groups of people sharing it and it is all a buzz on Twitter. People are freaking out. It is mad.”

“Why would they do that? That makes them look bad?” Kyle kept his voice down.

“I dunno. Guess the sister was on one and wanted to make her sister look bad.” Woody shrugged his shoulders, also keeping his voice low. “The whole interview we just had, they showed us the video and then asked us questions. We handled it, but it was dumb. They kept asking where you two were and if you didn’t come because of the video. We told them we had no idea it even existed but I don’t know if they bought it. Dan isn’t going to like it.”

“Shit.” Kyle looked down to Dan and wondered if they should wake him up for this. Deciding against it, he reached for his phone and messaged Beau to look into it. Typically it was better to not respond at all to stupid stuff but if it was already causing issues, maybe someone needed to respond to it.

Kyle didn’t want it to be Dan. He had enough going on and didn’t need to be bothered by it.

“Let Beau deal with it or someone else at the label.” Kyle shook his head at them. “He doesn’t need this.”

“You two are disgustingly cute.” Will kept his smirk. He had been watching them for the past few days. They were getting more open with their affection toward one another now that everyone knew. Just small touches here and there but it was sweet. Will was a romantic at heart. They stopped sharing a bunk, but they would keep their curtains open and text each other at night.

The crew would “ooh” at them at times but no one gave them a hard time. They all knew how Dan was and figured that it was best not to tease them about the relationship. It was nice that they didn’t need to hide anything.

But Kyle lived for moments where everyone was gone and it was just the two of them. Even if Dan spent the whole time sleeping on him. It was calming time together and Kyle was going to take advantage of any time they could have together.

“Shut it.” Kyle smiled back as he blushed a bit. He was getting more attached to Dan as the days went on. They had their patches here and there but it was working. “We should get ready to go to sound check soon. Anyone check in with the support band?”

“They are cool.” Will nodded his head. They hadn’t talked to them much, but both he and Woody popped their heads in to say hello and thank them for joining them for the next few dates. “Nervous bunch. They will fit in nicely with us.”

Dan jerked, startling Kyle from the conversation. Kyle leaned down to whisper to him that he was okay and then gave him a kiss near his covered ear.

Dan jerked again, raising his head up quickly and hitting Kyle’s jaw. Kyle reached for his jaw in shock, “Fuck.”

Dan opened his eyes and found Kyle hovering over him and holding his jaw. Dan’s head hurt and he knew he had hurt Kyle as well.

“Sorry.” Dan said with a sleep filled voice. “You alright?”

“Yes, you got me just right.” Kyle continued to rub his jaw as he opened and shut it to see how it would feel. It was sore but he believed it would go away soon. “You alright?”

Dan nodded his head slowly and moved to sit up. He felt better than he had in the past few days. He needed the sleep and he was glad he chose to ditch the interview to rest instead. He had been trying to save his voice as well so it made sense to sleep and not talk. The day before he only spoke two times as they were on the road the whole time.

Sitting up properly on the sofa next to Kyle, Dan saw that both Woody and Will were back. He was going to ask about the interview but he told himself he didn’t need to micromanage it. Best to save his voice for later.

Instead, he smiled at them with a quick wave and then went to rest his head on Kyle’s shoulder. Remembering he just hurt him, Dan stopped himself and looked toward Kyle.

“I’m fine.” Kyle smiled at him and pulled Dan closer to him so he could rest his head on his shoulder. Dan was comfortable sitting like this now with Will and Woody around and he was going to take advantage of the extra contact while he could. “Sound check is soon. You up for it?”

Dan nodded his head and closed his eyes. He was still a bit tired but it was more a lazy content feeling of having nothing to do for the moment. He would be ready to move in just a few more minutes.

The rest of the band continued to chat while Dan continued to rest. After a few minutes, Dan got bored and took his phone out of his pocket.

He responded to a few messages, but ignored his emails. He liked to save them for at night when he couldn’t sleep in the bunk. He switched to Twitter to see if anyone was coming to the show that night and started reading through his messages.

He found a few asking about an interview video. And a few saying odd things about it. Something about letting Kyle and Dan have their privacy? Dan continued to read through them and found a link to a video.

Clicking on it, he watched it without sound but read the captions. It was an interview they had a few weeks ago but it was edited. Very much edited. The video showed the lady and Kyle talking with one another and then would zoom on Dan looking at his zip. And then took bits of his answers to make it seem like he was upset. The video finished with Kyle tripping over his words as the lady asked him out. The last frame was a shot of Dan grinning. What the fuck was that?

Dan moved his phone out and waved it at Kyle to get his attention. Kyle squinted his eyes and saw that he was trying to show him.

“Apparently the sister got upset and posted the interview after she edited it. It was taken down but it spread before that happened.” Kyle turned off Dan’s phone and push it down onto Dan’s lap. “Beau is dealing with it. No worries.”

“Okay.” Dan pushed himself off Kyle and stood to stretch. He felt good and he didn’t want the video to ruin his day. "I'm going to use the streamer again."

After the show, Dan went out to talk to the people waiting for them before going onto the bus.

A few were asking about the video but Dan laughed it off.

“It is mad.” Dan shook his head. “But you could edit a video to even make Father Christmas look like a villain. I mean, that is not how the interview happened. But whatever. It was a laugh for...whoever.”

He took a few pictures and then waved everyone goodnight.

Dan was going through his phone when he heard Kyle come back to their bunks. He smiled at him and kissed him quickly when he reached for him.

Kyle opened his phone once he was in his bunk and sent Dan a message.

Kyle  
**I miss you. Four more days until free night…**

dan  
**Four more days :)**

Kyle  
**Should I buy you flowers and sweets?**

dan  
**No on flowers. Yes on sweets.**

dan  
**And alcohol. We need alcohol. Not that I want to get tabled but I need something to calm my nerves**

Kyle  
**You nervous?**

dan  
**Yes. Not as much as before but...it is a big thing**

Kyle  
**I know you are big. I have felt you**

dan  
**Fuk off. Not what I meant**

Kyle  
**I’m a bit nervous. Don’t want to be shit at it**

dan  
**You won’t. You had it done before, so do it like that, right?**

Kyle  
**Sure we can’t just do it right now? You can have a memory of it in the bunk and smile each time you go to bed**

dan  
**Okay. Hop over here**

Kyle looked up over his phone and raised his eyebrow. “Really?”

Dan nodded his head and watched as Kyle’s face went red. “Come on.”

“You are joking?” Kyle blushed more and heard people moving around the bus. “People are ‘round. They will know.”

“You afraid?” Dan teased more and moved his hand down his stomach to palm himself, his eyes on Kyle.

“Dan….” Kyle’s voice dropped to his lower range. His eyes left Dan’s face and moved toward where Dan’s hand was and how it was resting over his joggers. Both of their curtains were open and they were toward the front of the bunks. Anyone walking back would have to walk past them. It was early yet but anyone could walk by at anytime.

“You’re right.” Dan smiled and turned off the voice telling him he was mental for doing this. He wanted to tease and he liked the effect it was having on Kyle. It was nice to not have to worry about what it meant or how Kyle would take it. “We can wait. What is four days?”

Kyle moaned under his breath as Dan closed his curtain on him. Closing his eyes, he took in a deep breath and then let it out. He was worked up and now all his could think about was how Dan was right there across from him. It would be a very tight space but Kyle could make it work.

“How’s it going there, baby?” Will smirked as he stopped right by Kyle’s bunk. Kyle was lying there breathing heavier than usual with a red face. “Your boy shut the curtain on you before kissing you goodnight?”

“Fuck off.” Kyle groaned as he shut his bunk and ignored both Will and Dan laughing at him. He was hard now and it would be harder to sleep. Four more days. Or maybe he could talk Dan into it sooner...

Four days went both fast and incredibly slow.

Dan found some sort of confidence and had been teasing Kyle for the past few days. He would kiss him and then pulled away before it could go further. Dan would then remind Kyle how nice it would be once they could be fully alone.

His late night texts got more bold as well. Kyle found he needed to ignore them or he would be left hard and frustrated.

The worst was when Dan leaned against his back and licked up his neck right before they were to go on stage the night before the hotel stay. It was dark and no one saw it, but Kyle felt it go straight to his dick.

Dan was flirty throughout the show as well. He would turn his back and wait for Kyle to look at him before smiling and then right back into the show.

Kyle both loved it and hated it.

By the time they shut the door to the hotel, he dropped his bag and tossed Dan’s away before attacking Dan. Pushing him against the door, Kyle pulled at Dan’s sweatshirt and had it half off and hanging around Dan’s arms before Dan pushed him away.

“Slow down.” Dan smiled at him and pulled his sweatshirt the rest of the way off. They were both breathing hard and Dan felt more confidence than fear. “We have all night. Just us. All. Night.”

“I want you.” Kyle pulled his own hoody off, and brought his shirt with it by accident, before stepping back into Dan’s space. His hands were pulling at Dan’s shirt and he wanted it off as well. He wanted to feel him against his skin.

“Stop!” Dan pushed Kyle back when he felt Kyle’s hands moving his shirt up. The confidence was leaving and he felt the uneasiness in his stomach. He wasn’t ready for his shirt to be off.

Kyle stopped and took two steps back. He heard the tone of Dan’s voice and he knew he needed to listen. Dan wasn’t teasing him.

“Okay.” Kyle raised his hands up. “I stopped. It is okay.”

“Fuck.” Dan panted out. Crossing his arms across his stomach, he took a few deep breaths. “Too fast.”

“Sorry.” Kyle kept his hands up and worked on calming his breathing.

“It was...I was...fuck.” Dan bit underneath his lip and gripped his fingers into his arms. He had been fine and everything was going so good. Then it just wasn’t anymore. He wanted Kyle. Kyle wanted him. Everything was fine. It was just the damn shirt.

“Let’s take a minute.” Kyle slowly reached for his shirt off the floor and put it back on. He moved the bags out of the way of the door and held out his hand for Dan to take. “We will go slower.”

Dan nodded his head and released his grip on his arms. He took Kyle’s hand and allowed him to move them into the room more. Kyle set them down on the bed and they both sat in silence. They had been bold and requested one king size bed rather than two double beds.

There would be more room for both of their large frames and both figured they deserved it after weeks of sleeping on the bus.

“I really want this.” Dan turned his head and found Kyle staring at the blank television. “So much.”

“Me too.” Kyle turned and kissed Dan. “We just need to sort it out. Figure out how to be together without going too fast that you panic.”

“Thank you.” Dan leaned his head against Kyle’s. “For listening and being so incredibly amazing. I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do.” Kyle moved in closer and kissed Dan again. He started slow but Dan opened his mouth and let Kyle in. Soon, it was similar to when they were at the door.

Dan pressed Kyle back so he was lying on the bed and Dan was leaning against him. It wasn’t a good angle so Kyle started moving backward on the bed. They kept kissing as they moved backward, with their lips reaching whatever skin they could find. Once his head was on the pillow, he reached for Dan and pulled him closer so that he rested on top of him and in between his legs. Kyle moaned at the contact and kissed him harder.

Dan’s hands were moving down and underneath Kyle’s hips to pull him closer to him. Kyle was pressing up against him and it was similar to when they rubbed against each other in the other hotel. Only they both had been building up to this for weeks and were more frantic than before.

Kyle pulled away first. He couldn’t breath and he needed air. And wanted to check in with Dan. “You okay? Say your duck word.”

“Yes. Anatidaephobia.” Dan nodded and went for Kyle’s lips again. He licked into his mouth and felt Kyle push up against him. He was hard. They both were hard. “Want more.”

“Can I? Can I?” Kyle panted into Dan’s mouth. He wasn’t able to fully catch his breath even before Dan was kissing him again and now it felt impossible. Moving his hands against Dan’s chest, Kyle pushed him back so he could breath. “Fuck. Can I?”

Dan nodded as he bit underneath his lip. He was ready. He was going to keep his shirt on but he was willing to get out of his pants and jeans. His heart was beating fast but it was okay. He wanted it. He wanted Kyle. Kyle wanted him.

Kyle smiled at him and moved so he could get out from underneath Dan. Dan followed his lead and moved so he was lying on his back.

“Still okay?” Kyle rested his hand on Dan’s chest and found his eyes. Dan looked flush and he was breathing heavy but he did not look like he was panicking.

“Yes.” Dan smiled back and began to unzip his jeans. Once he had the zip down, he raised his hips to move them off and kicked them away. He still had his pants on but he was sure that Kyle could see how much Dan was okay with this. “Kiss me?”

Kyle kept his smile as he leaned down and gave Dan a few quick kisses. He moved his leg over Dan and rested his weight on Dan’s upper legs. Kissing down his cheek, Kyle kept kissing down Dan’s throat. He kissed down Dan’s shirt and paused before kissing the tent in Dan’s pants.

Dan was beginning to breath harder but it was because he was anticipating Kyle’s lips on him. Looking down, he saw Kyle looking up at him and he keened.

Kyle started slow. Kissing across the hardness in Dan’s pants and resting his hands near the band on the top. Dan startled at Kyle’s hands at first but then he settled.

Kyle kissed up the pants until he reached the band and slowly pulled them down. Kissing the flesh he revealed along the way.

Kyle pulled the pants down Dan’s legs and saw him open them up for him. Kyle felt proud that Dan allowed himself to get this far and then he was distracted by the sight of Dan’s hard cock.

Dan spread open his legs move and tensed his body in want. It was good and he was not going to last long. He hoped Kyle would understand.

Kyle had never been this close to a cock before and he found he liked it. They were similar in size and length. Kissing along where the foreskin was stretched back, Kyle found Dan had incredibly soft skin there. He wondered if he felt as soft to Dan. He would ask him later but he didn’t want to distract himself away from this.

There was a bit of precum on the tip and he licked it away. Dan tensed underneath him and raised his hips up. The taste was okay but the reaction was the best.

Moving his lips over the head until he reached where his foreskin was, Kyle heard Dan respond and it was amazing. He alternated between kissing and gentle sucks, with his hand either moving along the shaft or cupping Dan’s balls. Dan did not last long and soon he had Dan coming in his mouth. He didn’t quite like the taste of that either but it was worth it.

He kissed the warm skin right above Dan’s cock and then moved up quickly to check in with Dan. Kissing his neck, he asked, “You okay?”

“Better.” Dan still had his eyes closed and he didn’t know if he ever wanted to open them because this feeling might go away. “Like, literally the best ever. You. Are. Amazing.”

Kyle smiled against his throat. He knew the feeling. Giving him one last kiss, he moved his head up more to find Dan’s eyes. He still had them closed so he kissed his lips and waited.

Dan finally opened his eyes after a few more moments and found a pleased looking Kyle smiling back at him. “Well, now we know you are not shit at that.”

“Oh, good.” Kyle laughed. “Yelp review: Kyle is not shit at sucking dick.”

“You were amazing.” Dan smiled up and found his strength, pushing Kyle back against the bed. “Can I now? Or did you?”

“No, you most definitely can.” Kyle laughed settling himself back on the bed. His hands were already unzipping his jeans when he remembered what he put down there. He hoped Dan got the joke and it did not offend him.

Dan skipped the slow kiss down like Kyle gave him because he just wanted to taste him again. Kyle had opened his jeans for him so Dan pushed them down and off his legs. Turning his head back, he found a picture of a duck pinned to Kyle’s tented pants and started laughing.

“You asshole.” Dan laughed harder, losing his breath. He moved up so that he could see Kyle and found that he was laughing back with him. After finding some of his breath, he said, “That could have went so wrong if you came. The poor duck. Or, or if the pin came undone? Your poor dick.”

“I’m glad you took the joke.” Kyle wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. He wasn’t thinking about if he came and what the duck would look like then. Or even if the pin came undone on him. He was more concerned that Dan would take it that he was making fun of him.

“Being naked and laughing probably was not the best way to go about it considering the dreams, but I got the joke.” Dan laughed again. God, he loved him. “I love you.”

“I love you.” Kyle reached for Dan’s hair and brushed his fingers through it.

Both stared at one another for a minute and then Dan went back to his task. He kept the duck pinned to Kyle’s pants but tossed them to the floor.


	5. Chapter 5

"Morning." Kyle smiled into the back of Dan's neck. Dan was awake and going through his phone, with Kyle cuddling up against his back. Kyle squinted and saw that it was still early. They didn't need to leave until noon. They were to get back on the bus and drive to their next destination. "Sleep well?"

"Probably the best in years." Dan smiled looking over his shoulder. They had both put on clothes before falling asleep the night before, but Kyle had slept without a shirt on. Dan wished he was as brave but he wasn't quite there yet. "You?"

"Same." Kyle kissed his shoulder and then his ear. "But now I have to wee and I need food."

"We could order off the menu." Dan turned so he has half underneath Kyle. He was finding he liked the pressure pushing him down. He never thought he would like that after what had happened, but it was different with Kyle. Kyle proved again and again that he would listen and Dan was beginning to trust it. He trusted Kyle, but now he was beginning to trust himself with Kyle. "I don't want to leave this room until we absolutely have to leave."

"Sounds good to me." Kyle kissed right underneath his eye and then moved out of the bed. "Got to wee. Got to wee."

Dan found he was cold and he missed the warmth of having Kyle near. He typed something into his phone and then set it aside. He was feeling brave and he wanted to try something. Standing and stretching, he bit underneath his lip and went to the door of the bathroom.

"Think we-" Kyle stopped himself before he ran into Dan in the doorway to the bathroom on his way out. "Hi?"

"I want to try something...with you." Dan bit harder at the skin underneath his lip and kept his eyes on Kyle. He was nervous but it was manageable. This was either going to go amazing well or he would completely back out, but he was willing to try.

Last night had been amazing.

Afterward they had eaten and spent time together. They cuddled up on the bed watching a dumb film on television that quickly turned into moving against one another. Both of their hands had been seeking in new places, with Dan gripping Kyle’s ass as Kyle brushed along Dan’s nipples.

It was freeing in a way Dan never thought he would experience and it made him want to see what else he could manage with Kyle.

"Okay." Kyle smiled at Dan wondering what he was going to say. He was willing to try anything with him and he loved that Dan was pushing himself. And that he kept looking at him the entire time he asked. The night before had been amazing and Kyle was finding he wanted more. "What do you want to try?"

"A shower." Dan released the skin underneath his mouth before he drew blood and took a step closer to have something to do with his hands. He rested them on Kyle's waist. Looking down briefly, he watched his hands on Kyle's bare skin and then looked up. "With you. Together. With you."

"Okay." Kyle beamed. He took a step back into the bathroom and Dan followed him. "Just because I feel a bit like an idiot, but you are going to be in there without a shirt, right?"

Dan nodded. And stepped closer into Kyle space. There was a mirror to their side that he couldn't get himself to look at but he was willing to take off his shirt.

He went to move his shirt but then stopped himself. "We should brush our teeth."

Kyle went along with him and they both look their time cleaning their teeth. After what felt like long enough that his teeth were sparkling, Kyle put his toothbrush away and worked on getting the water warm.

He moved his joggers and pants and then stepped into the shower. It was a room where the shower was next to the mirror rather than across from it. Kyle figured that was best for this new experience. He waited as Dan kept brushing his teeth.

Dan found Kyle's eyes on him and he wondered how long he could stall this. Then he remembered that this was his idea and he was trying to be brave. Putting away his toothbrush, he walked closer to the shower and gave Kyle a nervous smile. He could feel his heart going faster and he was too preoccupied with his thoughts that he didn't even register that Kyle was standing there naked.

Kyle gave Dan a quick smile and then decided it would be best to turn away and not make it a big deal. It was, but it really wasn't. Kyle worked on opening up the impossibly small shampoo and by the time he had the liquid in his hand, he felt Dan behind him.

Dan rushed out of his clothes and stepped into the shower while Kyle was dealing with the shampoo. He was breathing a bit faster than usual but otherwise he was doing well. He saw Kyle turn and offer out his hand with shampoo in it.

"Can I?" Kyle grinned. He wanted to give him praise for getting in the shower with him but he didn't want to draw too much attention to it at the same time. Instead, he focused his attention on washing his hair.

Dan swallowed quickly and nodded his head. He loved Kyle even more for not making a big deal about this and he sighed into the touch as Kyle's hands massaged the shampoo through his hair. It was nice and familiar and it made him think less about him standing naked with Kyle.

Kyle worked the shampoo through Dan's hair and saw him visually relax into the touch. It was what he wanted to see happen and he was proud that Dan was allowing it. Such a small thing but it meant a lot that he was trusting Kyle to do this with him.

Kyle rinsed his hands off and then rested his hands on Dan's ribs to turn them so he could wash the substance out of his hair. He didn't think about how close his hands were to Dan’s waist and Dan only tensed a bit before he allowed Kyle to move him.

Kyle washed the shampoo out of Dan’s hair and watched as Dan closed his eyes and leaned back into the water. He became sad for a minute because he knew this was soon going to be over and they were going back on the road. He pushed that thought away as Dan stepped closer and opened his eyes.

Dan pressed himself against Kyle and found that he was hard as well. Wrapping his arms around Kyle’s back, Dan pressed his middle against Kyle’s and moaned at the touch. He wasn’t sure if the shower was the best place for this but they were both wet and could rub against one another smoothly.

Kyle kissed at Dan’s neck as he moved back against Dan. It was slower than it had been last night. The urgency was gone and they could both just sink against one another and enjoy it. Kyle felt Dan’s hands move down his back and grip his ass like he did last night. Kyle moaned at the feeling and decided he wanted to try something as well.

Kissing up Dan’s neck, Kyle found Dan’s ear and asked, “What are your ideas about fingering me?”

Dan stopped his movement against Kyle and looked down toward their feet. They were practically standing on top of one another.

Dan had never done that with anyone but he knew that it felt good when the man licked his ass before he went too far and hurt him. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for Kyle to do that to him, but he was willing to try it with Kyle.

“Could I?” Dan stepped back to have a minute to clear his thoughts. “I mean, have you ever?”

“I have myself and I had one girlfriend that was quite adventurous.” Kyle blushed as he found Dan staring back at him with want. Dan really was being brave. “She sucked me with a finger in my ass. We didn’t last long after that. It was university and she found someone else to mess around with. I have never with a man, obviously. But I want to with you.”

Dan moved to turn off the water and started to shiver as they stood there without the heat of the water on them.

“Wait.” Kyle blushed a bit more. “Give me a minute alone in here. I will meet you out there. I have some lube...figured I would be prepared, just in case.”

Dan blushed himself and nodded. He quickly wrapped himself in a towel and left the room.

Once he was back in their room alone, he found he had many thoughts going through his head at once. He felt exposed and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to remain naked. He also wondered why Kyle brought lube and if he thought they would do something else during their hotel stay.

If Kyle wanted to go further but Dan was holding him back. He thought they were on the same page with anything dealing with anal but maybe he was going too slow for Kyle. Maybe Kyle wasn’t happy with this.

Dressing in a loose shirt and pajama shorts, Dan sat on the bed and hoped Kyle would get out of the bathroom before he talked himself into leaving.

Thankfully Kyle was out soon and he dropped his towel before seeing Dan sitting dressed on the bed.

“You okay?” Kyle picked his towel back up and wrapped it around himself. He wasn’t as hard as before but it rubbed against him wrong and he winced when he sat down on the bed. “Do you not want to anymore?”

Dan shook his head as he stared at the towel around Kyle’s waist. There was a slight lump where Kyle’s dick was and Dan found his thoughts swimming again. He was holding him back and Kyle was going to leave him. He needed to protect himself because soon it was going to be over and Dan would be left alone.

“Hey.” Kyle moved closer and wrapped his arm around Dan’s shoulder to pull him in closer. Dan rested his head on Kyle’s shoulder but he didn’t talk. “Okay, time to talk. What is going on in that head?”

Dan took a breath and then let it out after holding it for a bit. He didn’t want to sound like a whiny insecure person but he was going to. “Why are you even with me?”

Kyle sighed and leaned down to kiss the back of Dan’s head. They were going to go through the greatest hits of insecurities but Kyle was willing to give him reassurance if he needed it.

“Because I love you and you are amazing. You have made me happier in the past few months than I have ever been before, like ever.” Kyle stayed close to Dan’s head. “I’m so proud of you for opening yourself up to being with me and allowing yourself to be happy as well.”

“Am I going too slow for you?” Dan wrapped his hand around Kyle’s waist and hugged himself closer. “Is that why you brought the lube because you thought we should be doing more by now?”

“No.” Kyle kept his voice low and leaning in closer. “I have it just for me. Makes wanking a bit easier, especially when you only have a few moments alone and need to get the job done. I figured we could use it for that...or whatever we wanted. I did not have any expectations for our time here.”

“That is a lie.” Dan raised himself up and found Kyle’s eyes. “You kept begging to suck my dick.”

“True.” Kyle smiled and leaned his head against Dan’s. “And we had agreed on that. Anything else was just going to be going with what we wanted to do. You keep grabbing my ass and I had the idea of you doing something else with it. If you don’t want to, I’m okay with that.”

Dan nodded his head against Kyle’s and let out the breath he had been holding. His head was feeling a bit fuzzy and he wondered why he always went to the negative when Kyle never showed him he needed to worry.

“I do. Want to. With you.” Dan moved his hand from Kyle’s waist to his crotch. Kyle wasn’t hard anymore but Dan knew he could get him back with only a bit of pressure.

Kyle moved back on the bed and opened the towel so that it stayed underneath him but Dan could see him. Kyle's head was on the pillow and he could stretch his legs out. Kyle felt a bit exposed in this position but he was comfortable. “It is in my bag, can you get, get it?”

Dan dug around in Kyle’s bag and found it quickly. Dan felt dumb but he never had used it before. He was fairly certain that the man either did not use it at all or he only used a tiny bit given what happened.

Sitting back on the bed, Dan swallowed as he saw Kyle lying there waiting for him. He felt weird for a minute that it was Kyle but Kyle reached his hand out and pulled him closer. As Kyle kissed him, the weirdness went away and Dan found he really wanted to do with this with Kyle.

Kyle saw the flash on Dan’s face and he knew he needed to bring him back to him before he started swirling in the opposite direction again. Dan relaxed into the kiss and Kyle felt his hand on his stomach. Dan’s go to move was putting his hand on his dick and while Kyle loved it, he wanted his hand lower.

Dan kissed back as his hand tightened around the lube in his hand. He was starting to panic a bit so he went to his comfort move and used his other hand to find Kyle’s cock. He was hard again and he felt good in his hand. He spent some time there and then pulled himself back.

“It’s okay.” Kyle smiled at him as he opened his eyes and found Dan looking down at him with wide eyes. “Anything you want to do, I’m going to love it. Promise.”

Dan’s hands were shaking as he opened the bottle and he put too much on his hand. Not knowing what else to do, he wiped some on Kyle’s stomach and then his cock. It made it shine a bit and Dan would have gotten lost looking at it if Kyle didn’t moan into his touch.

“Dan.” Kyle moaned feeling Dan’s hand on him. Reaching for Dan’s hand, he moved it lower as he spread open his legs more. “There.”

Dan swallowed and rubbed his fingers against the raised skin around Kyle’s hole. His hand was slick and his fingers slid back too quickly but Kyle liked it. Dan watched as Kyle raised his hips to meet his fingers and he lost himself in what he was going.

Pressing the tip of his finger inside, he heard Kyle respond and he looked toward him. Kyle had his eyes closed and his head back. He looked like he was enjoying it so Dan moved his finger in further. Kyle was warm around his finger and was squeezing against him.

Dan looked to where his finger was and found he liked the look of Kyle around him. Moving further onto the bed, Dan leaned down and found Kyle’s mouth to distract him. If Dan focused more on what he was going he was going to pass out or switch himself over in his head.

Kyle relaxed into the bed and focused on Dan moving inside him. It was only his finger but nothing had been there in a long time so it felt bigger. Dan wasn’t really doing anything rather than just slowly moving it inside of him but it was enough to get him fully hard. He wanted to reach for himself but he also just wanted to savour this feeling.

Kyle felt Dan kissing him and he smiled back into the kiss. This was his favourite bit about being with Dan, he also sought his kiss when he was panicking. Kissing him back for a few moments while he raised his hips to meet Dan’s fingers, with Dan being brave and moving another inside of him, Kyle moved back. “You okay?”

“I’m supposed to ask you that.” Dan felt his face flush and he was hard inside his shorts. He wanted more with Kyle but he didn’t know what. “You okay?”

“Very much okay.” Kyle grinned and squeezed down on Dan’s fingers. Dan copied Kyle’s moan at the sensation and Kyle moved his hand along Dan’s back to move him against his hip.

Pushing down his shorts so they rested against his thighs, he used some of the extra lube on his stomach to coat Dan’s erection. “Rub against me while you move your fingers inside me.”

Dan whined at the command and followed it.

Lowering his head to Kyle’s chest, Dan kissed at the skin right above Kyle’s nipple as he moved his cock against Kyle’s bare hip. It was just enough that it felt amazing. And his fingers were still inside Kyle and Kyle’s hand was on himself, with Dan at the perfect angle to watch Kyle move his hand.

“Fuck.” Kyle groaned out. He was close but he didn’t want to come yet. He wanted to stay in this moment and wait for Dan to get closer. From his quick breathing against his chest, he figured he was close as well. “You almost there?”

“Yes.” Dan fought to keep his eyes open to continue to watch Kyle’s hand move against himself but he had to close them because it was too much stimulation. Moving his fingers in a bit more, he felt Kyle gasp underneath him and squeeze his fingers. _Prostate, _Dan thought before he pressed himself against Kyle one last time and felt his body shudder.

Panting against Kyle’s chest, he remembered his fingers were still inside him and started to move them again. He found the textured spot inside him and pressed against it again, with Kyle shuddering underneath him. Kyle’s come shot up his stomach and some landed on the corner of Dan’s mouth.

“Fuck.” Kyle squeezed himself against Dan’s fingers and continued to squeeze along his length, it still felt good to keep pressure on himself. Dan’s head was still resting on his chest and he could feel the wetness on his hip where Dan came on him. “That was so un-_fucking_-believable.”

Dan kissed Kyle’s nipple and then raised his head. His fingers were still inside Kyle and he wondered if he should move them. Kyle was warm around him and he liked the heat.

“You have…” Kyle bit his lip and moved his head closer to kiss Dan’s mouth. There was a spot of come on his mouth and Kyle wanted to lick it off. His body was buzzing and he wanted to do it all over again but he knew they were both spent.

Pushing Dan back against the bed, Kyle whined as Dan’s fingers left him and he felt open without them there. He kissed into his mouth lazily as he hands moved against Dan’s waist. There were a few stretch marks but Kyle did not mind at all. Moving his hands up, Kyle broke away from the kiss and rested his head on Dan’s shirt.

Dan pressed his head against the bed and allowed himself to sink further into the pressure of Kyle on top of him. Kyle was naked and Dan had his shorts around his knees now. Dan wasn’t sure if he ever felt as good as he did right then. “I loved that.”

“We are good.” Kyle closed his eyes and cuddled into Dan’s chest. He could sleep but he knew they needed to eat and then get ready to leave. “So bloody good at _that_.”

They stayed lying together as long as they could before both of their stomach protested the lack of food. Ordering room service, they both cleaned themselves and dressed as they packed to leave.

Both were sad to leave the room but knew that it was only just the beginning of them.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: More references to the sexual assault.

“There has been so much that has happened since we last spoke.” The perky DJ lady said after their introductions. 

They were filming the interview to put up on their station’s website and what happened during their last on-camera interview was going to come up. Everyone could feel it. 

“First, Dan gave everyone in the world a scare by collapsing on stage and going to hospital. Then radio silence while rumours spread about rehabs and other outlandish theories.” The lady turned to look at the group. “And then during an interview, someone decided to get creative and made a, let us say, dramatized narrative of Dan and Kyle’s relationship.” 

“It was been a bit mental.” Woody nodded his head as he brushed back some hair from his face. “Good news: Dan is fine now and we are back to focusing on music.” 

“But what is your response to the video? Obviously someone had it out to expose you or something?” 

“No. Not really.” Kyle spoke after getting the microphone from Woody on his right. “It was, and I only say this because the lady that, that did the interview commented on it, a family issue that, that was taken way too far. It had really very little to do with us.” 

“The sister went a bit mad and edited the footage.” The lady smiled and nodded. “That has been talked about, but what about your reaction to it? The person that edited the video basically said you two are both gay. And in a relationship together.” 

No one said anything. All looking at one another except Dan who looked up from picking at his shoe. 

Reaching for the microphone from Kyle on his right, Dan ran his hand through his hair with his other hand. Dan answered with a neutral tone, “So?” 

“Does that bother you?” The lady kept her smile for the camera but her tone gave away her nerves. “They are saying you are gay.” 

“And?” Dan kept his eyes on her and waited to see if she was going to push it further. 

She did. 

“Most people would be upset to be called gay, especially if they are not that way.” 

“I can’t speak for most people, but I would hope that they wouldn’t be upset over that.” Dan continued to hold eye contact. “Whether they are gay or they are not gay, or anything in between really, it is nothing to be bothered over being called.” 

“So are you?”

“Does it matter?” Dan broke eye contact as he raised his eyebrows and looked at the camera and then to his friends before making eye contact again with the woman. “I really don’t think it matters. There are so many awful things going on in the world. Like actually horrific injustices and crimes against people. And, I’m not saying this is even remotely the same, but I almost died. Fuck all if I was gay or in a relationship with a man. Why would it matter who I fancy? Or anyone else for that matter. More kindness and love in this world would be amazing.” 

And just because she was obviously digging herself a bigger hole for herself, she continued, “Are you admitting that you are gay?”

“I’m not _ admitting _ to anything. That makes it sound like it is a _ bad _ thing again and it is not. I’m commenting on the fact that it doesn’t matter if I am, or if anyone else is, gay. Or anything else that is non-heteronormative among consenting adults. More love in this world would be amazing. I love each one of my band mates for various reasons. They are amazing people and the reason I am able to do any of this.” Dan smiled to the woman. “Next question.” 

Dan handed the microphone to Will and sat back further in the sofa, pulling his leg up and bending his knee so he could continue to fidget with the string on the side. Kyle was next to him and in the same pose, with Kyle fidgeting with the fabric of his socks. 

The interviewer switched the questions to the tour and the music. Dan sat back while the rest answered the questions. He had said what he wanted to say and he should focus on resting his voice. He had been singing more lately trying to get a song right for the next album and it was taking a toll on his performance.

Afterward, when the camera was off, the lady apologized and said she didn’t mean anything by the questions. Dan forgave her and told her cheers before leaving. 

Surprisingly, it was one of the easiest interviews he had ever had. 

  
  


“It is important that we go back and finish the tour dates.” Dan spoke into his phone while lying on his back and Kyle on top of him. They were in the backroom of the venue and alone, with everyone else either exploring the city or sleeping. It had been a short drive from the last date and everyone wanted to take advantage of the extra time until they were needed. 

Dan listened while he slowly brushed his fingers through Kyle’s hair, with Kyle’s head resting on his chest. 

Dan laughed at first when Kyle had laid on top of him because Kyle’s feet with hanging off the end of the sofa, with the sofa clearly not designed for their height. But then Kyle wrapped his arms underneath Dan’s back, in between his shirt and zip up sweatshirt, and cuddle against him saying that he was cold. Dan didn’t want him to be cold. 

Dan wrapped the two sides of his sweatshirt around Kyle’s back, thankful that Kyle was so narrow and small that he fit inside the sweatshirt with him. Zipping up the sweatshirt, Dan heard Kyle giggle at the position they were in but he didn’t protest. 

Now, as Dan was on the phone dealing with the logistics of adding back in three US dates to their already packed European tour, Kyle was half asleep and sighing as Dan’s fingers moved through his hair. 

“There are only so many days in a year. We already gave them refunds. It is almost festival season and you are booked solid. Even if we find the time for you to return, the venues have to have free days that match and they are booked out at least a year in advance. I don’t see it working this year. Maybe next time you are in the States we can give them free tickets or something.” 

Kyle’s hair was incredibly soft and it had been distracting Dan from the irritated voice on the phone. But, hearing the last bit, Dan pulled a little too hard on Kyle’s hair in frustration. Kyle moaned at the change in pressure and Dan lost his elaborate answer about not having a job without having people that cared to buy tickets to watch them. He could only say, “But I promised.” 

“I don’t know what to tell you. Tell them you were still ill when you promised and that, as much as you would like, you cannot just add days into the year.” 

Dan’s hands were rough in his hair and Kyle quickly woke from the sleepy hazy he had been under. Dan couldn’t feel it because of how low Kyle was on the sofa, but Kyle was hard. He had been aware of himself since Dan started playing with his hair, but as soon as Dan started pulling at it, he responded immediately. 

“No.” Dan pulled at the short hairs on the back of Kyle’s head, his fingers barely able to grip them. “There has to be a way. It is your job. Make it happen.” 

In a move that was completely uncharacteristic of him, Dan ended the phone call before the man responded back. 

Kyle heard Dan toss the phone onto the floor and it was increasing the mood he was in. Very rarely had he ever saw, or heard, Dan assert himself in the way he just had on the phone. It may be that he was madly in love with him, but the tone of Dan’s voice as he spoke to the man was arousing. 

Pulling at the back of Dan’s shirt, Kyle found he couldn’t get the material to move. His arms were trapped underneath Dan’s back and with the sweatshirt zipped around him, Dan had essentially put him in a straight jacket. Wiggling his body up and pushing Dan’s shirt down in the process, Kyle started kissing at the exposed skin of Dan’s collarbone as he attempted to align their bodies. He couldn’t get all the way up, but his erection brushed against the inside of Dan’s thigh and that was enough for Kyle for a minute. 

Dan was distracted from the anger at the phone call by Kyle wiggling his body up and stretching out his shirt to suck on his collarbone. Soon he felt Kyle against the inside of his thigh and it started his own cock to fill up as well. 

It had been a few days since the hotel and there was not much time spent alone. Actually, this was the first time they had been fully alone with nothing to do. 

Dan pressed up against Kyle’s stomach as Kyle sucked harder on his collarbone. He was going to leave a mark but Dan didn’t care at the moment. He knew he would obsess about it later but there was no time for such thoughts. Kyle’s was moaning against his throat as he increased his movement against his thigh. It was a bit messy and uncoordinated, but it was hot. 

“Want me to unzip you from me?” Dan managed to get out, his voice low. 

“Not yet.” Kyle licked at the mark he made on Dan’s collarbone and then moved himself to the other side, to start marking the other collarbone as well. He liked being somewhat bound to Dan. It was a new experience for him and he found he liked the challenge it presented. 

“I don’t want to come in my pants.” Dan raised his hands to hold the back of Kyle’s head. Kyle did not show signs that he was moving away but Dan wanted to make sure that he stayed sucking on his collarbone. Kyle was moving against his thigh more and Dan knew they couldn’t last long moving together like this. 

Kyle really did not care if he come in his pants or even if anyone walked in on them right now. The door was shut but it was not locked. His only concern was making Dan’s collarbone look as pretty as the other side. Biting down on the bone, he felt Dan pull at the small hairs on the back of his head again. He wasn’t going to last long and he did not care. They were at the point of the relationship where they both just got lost in one another.

“Kyle.” Dan moaned out as his voice dropped further into the register he rarely used. He was going to come in his pants if Kyle continued and he almost didn’t care, but he didn’t have any clothes to change into with him. He would have to walk past people to get back to the bus and he really did not want to have people looking at him with his pants sticking to him. “We need to stop.” 

“That is wrong.” Kyle licked at the collarbone and found it matched the other side. Looking up to find Dan’s eyes completely blown, Kyle whined a bit as he pressed against Dan’s thigh again. He could feel the sweatshirt protest his movement but he moved up higher to keep watching him. Their erections were just barely moving against each other’s, but it was enough for Kyle if they continued. His hands were still underneath Dan’s back and with the new movement, he felt deliciously trapped and bound to him. His voice dipped lower than Dan’s. “I like this.” 

Kyle had never done anything related to bondage but he wondered if maybe he had a bit of a kink for it. Not being able to move his hands well and having the sweatshirt hold him in, he felt protected almost. He was not used to feeling that with relationships. Or maybe it was just because it was Dan and Dan liked to hide in the sweatshirt. 

“Let me unzip it and then we can take our jeans and pants off at least.” Dan held eye contact with Kyle but he wasn’t sure if Kyle heard him. He had never seen his pupils so large and Kyle look at him quite like he was right then. He was looking at him like he was the only thing keeping him alive or something. 

“No.” Kyle growled as he pressed down against Dan one last time and closed his eyes as he felt his own body respond. His blood pressure spiked and he felt like he would pass out, or just die but it was worth it. His breathing was laboured and he continued to move his hips against Dan in slow movements as he felt himself release. 

Kyle was fairly certain that he might have blacked out for a bit and he felt like his blood pressure was never going to even itself out. It was wonderful and hot. 

Dan stopped moving as Kyle lowered his head and pressed it against his throat. Kyle’s body was shaking and he knew he had came, with his breathing going too fast and Kyle’s forehead slightly damp against his skin. 

Kyle continued to pant against his throat as Dan bit right underneath his lip. Dan was still hard but he had no intention of coming now. He was wishing it away as he felt himself panic at what just happened. 

Knowing he needed to get away from him, Dan unzipped the sweatshirt and twisted them so Kyle fell onto the sofa and Dan could get out from underneath him. 

Kyle felt the heat difference immediately and he found himself lying on his back looking up at the retreating form of Dan leaving the room. He was still trying to get his breathing under control and he finally felt like his blood pressure was evening out and he wouldn’t pass out at any minute. It was then that his brain started to work and he realized that Dan leaving was bad. Kyle scrambled to go after him. 

Dan heard Kyle calling his name behind him but he couldn’t stop. 

He was awake and Kyle didn’t listen to him. Dan said he didn’t want it like that and Kyle was too caught up in the moment, he didn’t listen to him. 

It was stupid because Dan obviously wanted it and he loved Kyle, but he couldn’t be around him right then knowing that Kyle hadn’t listened to him. 

Kyle was just a person and not a saint. 

Kyle could hurt him. 

“Dammit, stop.” Kyle grabbed Dan’s wrist from behind and stopped him from getting onto the bus. He had chased him through the venue and out into the car park, receiving a few weird looks along the way. There was no one around them now and they were far enough away from any roads that Kyle knew no one would see them. 

Dan felt the hand on his wrist and he was back in Thomas’ bedroom. He was on his stomach and Thomas was pressing into him. Holding his wrist so tight that it left a mark on him for two days. And that bruise had healed the quickest of all the ones he had given him.

Dan turned and closed his eyes but, just like that night, it didn’t make anything go away. 

“Dan?” Kyle asked as he saw Dan close his eyes and then open them giving him a blank stare. “Hey, I’m sorry. Are you okay?” 

Dan continued to stand there but he wasn’t there, not really. He could see the outline of Kyle but none of his features. There was a distant voice that sounded like it was talking to him through a long tunnel but he could barely make out the words. He couldn’t feel anything. He knew Kyle’s hand was still on his wrist but he couldn’t feel it. 

He was numb. 

“Oh course you are not okay.” Kyle looked to where his hand was and immediately took it way. Fuck, he thought. It was all going wrong. It had been so unbelievably amazing and he had fucked it up. “Dan?”

Dan still did not respond to him and Kyle’s worry increased. Dan had never done this before and he didn’t know what he needed. Looking around them, Kyle was both glad that no one was around to see Dan like this and, selfishly, panicking that there was no one to help him. 

After what felt like hours, Dan turned and walked into the bus. 

Dan walked past Coop and their manager talking to each other in the front. He went into his bunk and shut the curtain. Pulling his blanket up, he hid underneath it and closed his eyes. There he allowed everything to go dark. 

“Domestics already?” Coop joked taking in the sight of Kyle looking hopelessly back toward where the bunks were on the bus. He looked a bit closer and saw that Kyle’s hair and clothing looked messy, with his face flush and his pupils blown. “Never mind.” 

“Fuck.” Kyle brushed both of his hands through his hair and gave out a weak laugh. It all started with Dan playing with his hair and being assertive on the phone. Kyle was so proud of him knowing that Dan was going completely outside his comfort zone by being with him. It had all been going so well. 

Too well. 

And he fucked it all up. 

Sitting down on the free bench, Kyle sat back with his hands in his lap and looked between them. He couldn’t tell them what happened because they had no reference for what just occurred and Dan wouldn’t want them to know. 

“Trouble in paradise?” Their manager asked. Beau was a nice bloke and had been with them for a few years. But he did not understand. He couldn’t understand. 

“Something like that.” Kyle spoke to himself as he stood. He needed to change and figure out what the hell he needed to do to fix this. 

If he even could. 

  
  


The crowd was loud. And massive. 

There was no end in sight. 

A sea of bodies that were all happy and dancing. 

The mud slashed against their wellies and up their legs, and everyone around them. 

But no one cared because it was a music festival and nothing was better than drinking in a field listening to music as everyone went fucking mental around you. 

Dan was in the middle of the sea of people. 

His hood was covering the top of his head and he was jumping around with everyone. 

He had finished his drink a while ago and had the pleasant feeling moving through him. 

No one knew who he was. He was not someone people sought out and stared at while they sang along. 

He was not on a stage and he was just like everyone else. 

Drunk in a muddy field and jumping along to a beat that moved through his heart. 

He didn’t recognize the band but it didn’t matter. The music was loud and everyone was moving with him. 

He was a nobody that joined the collective consciousness of the festival. 

It was fucking amazing! 

Dan felt someone jumping behind him and he didn’t pay it any mind. People were all on top of one another in the field. 

But the person moved closer and put their hands on him. 

They started at his hips and moved around to his middle. 

Looking down at the hands while he continued to jump, Dan saw the bracelets and rings that matched Kyle’s hands. 

But they were not Kyle’s hands. 

They were short and rounded with Kyle’s hands long and slim. 

Turning quickly, he saw Thomas behind him jumping to the music. His face was red and he was sweating. 

Dan stopped moving. He could feel his feet sinking into the mud. 

Thomas smiled at him and reached his hands out. The rings and bracelets were gone. 

“Stop.” Dan screamed out but the music was too loud and there were too many people around them. 

No one heard him. 

No one was going to hear him. 

Thomas’ hands were on his stomach and moving his sweatshirt up. Dan didn’t want this. He wanted him to stop. 

He pushed at them and Thomas laughed. His hands were right back on him and his sweatshirt was ripped off. 

His chest was bare and he had people looking at him. 

Everyone had stopped jumping and there was no music. 

Everyone was staring at him and pointing their phones at him. 

Thomas moved in closer and reached for his jeans. 

No one was helping him. 

Dan looked around him and yelled to them for help. 

No one helped, their phones pointed at him. 

Turning back to Thomas, Dan plead, “Please. Stop it. Please.” 

Thomas smiled and pulled at his jeans, ripping them off like he had the sweatshirt. He wasn’t listening. 

“Stop!” Dan screamed as loud as he could as he felt Thomas’ hands on his bare hips but saw Kyle’s face looking at him. 

“Stop!” Dan screamed again and pushed at the hands. He didn’t want them on him. He didn’t want any of this. “Stop! Please, stop!” 

Dan pushed at the hands harder and found Thomas was stopping. 

It was working but he would keep trying unless Dan did more. 

Balling up his fist, he swung and heard his hand make contact with Thomas’ face. 

Thomas gave out a noise like he was hurt. Dan wished he really was and punch him again, just in case he didn’t feel it the first time. 

“Dan. Jesus, stop it.” Dan heard from a distance but there was no one around anymore. 

The phones were gone and Thomas was gone. 

He wasn’t in a field any more. 

He felt someone trying to hold his arms down but he swung at them like he did with Thomas. It had worked with Thomas. 

Thomas was gone now. 

He could get his person to go away as well. 

“Dan. Enough. You are okay.” Dan knew the voice. It was Woody’s voice. He trusted Woody. 

Dan slowly opened his eyes and found he was half lying on the floor and half propped up against the door leading into the bunks. 

Woody was holding his arms down near his elbows and sitting on his legs. He looked worried and when Dan looked closer, he saw there was a bruise forming on his cheek. 

“You are okay.” Woody said in a calming voice. Dan had finally settled down and it seemed like he was listening. His cheek hurt but he knew it was better than what Kyle felt. Dan had punched him in the face twice with full force. Woody had anticipated the swing and blocked most of the contact. Unlike Kyle who was blindsided. “Can you hear me?” 

Dan nodded his head. He was confused but he knew this was real. It didn’t feel hazy like the dream. He could feel Woody putting pressure on his body and he knew that Woody was really there. And that he was not going to hurt him. 

Dan’s hand hurt. 

“Can I let you up now?” Woody asked in the same calming voice. 

Woody could hear Kyle in the distance arguing with their tour manager to let him go back to where they were. And Dick telling Kyle to allow him to stop the bleeding before he went anywhere. Thankfully, Kyle listened when he was told that he was just going to freak Dan out if he went back there looking like that. 

“Yes.” Dan nodded his head just in case his voice wasn’t loud enough. It felt strained like he had been screaming. Was he screaming? Had he screamed like he did in his dream? And if he did, that meant that it was more than just Woody that was near him. 

Dan stood and took a minute to take in his surroundings. Woody’s short frame was in front of him and holding out his arms like he was ready to stop the football from going in the goal. Will was stood behind Woody and giving him a look of concern. Next to him was Coop and Beau. All having the same look of concern on their face. 

“What happened?” Dan asked, his voice still feeling strained. He looked toward his hand and found his knuckles were bleeding and his hand killed. He had never hit anyone in his life, but in the films people’s hands looked like his did when they hit something. Or someone. No one around him looked like he had punched them. Except Woody but the bruise on his face did not match the pain in Dan's hand. 

But not everyone was there. 

“You must have been dreaming.” Woody answered. Dan had been having a nightmare that he was acting out. He would have never hit Kyle otherwise. Dan was too meek to even play sport, let alone go around hitting anyone. “You were shouting in the hallway. Kyle tried to help you but you…” 

“Did I hurt him?” Dan asked but didn’t need an answer because Kyle walked up toward them. His face was swollen on the left side and he was still bleeding a bit from his cheek. “Fuck. I did that?” 

“Are you okay?” Kyle asked, ignoring Dan’s question. His face hurt but it was the least of his concerns. Dan had been panicked more than he had ever seen him before and not answering any of his questions. He was shouting in the hallway of the bus and waking everyone up, but he wasn’t making any sense. 

When he tried to touch him, Dan punched him. Kyle was startled but cried out in pain from the contact. That got the attention of Woody and the rest of the group, but not before Dan punched him again in the same spot. And it looked like he was going to continue to punch him if someone didn’t stop them. 

Woody had taken Dan down and held him while Kyle moved away. 

“I’m fine.” Dan looked down to his hand again and then everyone staring at him. He hated being the center of attention. Especially after he embarrassed himself. “Well, clearly I’m not fine.” 

“I’ve never seen you like that. You fucking scared me.” Kyle look another step closer and found that Dan appeared okay with him being near him. “You hit me. Twice. And you were not stopping. Until Woody stopped you." 

“It wasn’t you I has hitting.” Dan found his back hurt as well. Woody was still in between them but he had lowered his hands. Dan looked toward Kyle. “It was him.” 

“Him, who?” Woody asked as he looked between Kyle and Dan. Kyle had a reaction to the answer and Wood knew there was something he didn't know. “Who were you beating the shit out of?” 

“No one.” Dan shook his head and looked down toward his feet. His blanket was on the floor and he went to reach for it. Woody raised his hands back up at his sudden movement. Standing with the blanket in his hand, Dan held it up toward him. “I’m not going to do it again. I’m awake now. At ease soldier.” 

“It’s not funny.” Woody lowered his hands. He could have taken offense to the comment if it was any other situation but he knew Dan was working out something so he let it slide. “Obviously it was someone if you did all that. I didn’t know you were that strong.” 

“I’m not.” Dan threw the blanket into his bunk and wished everyone would leave him alone. Which was selfish because he had just woken everyone up with his dumb nightmare. And hurt people. “Must have been adrenaline.” 

“Okay.” Dick called out to the group. “It is late and morning is fast approaching us. Everyone go to bed and we will deal with this in the morning.” 

Will gave Dan a quick look before going back to his bunk. Woody raised his head towards him and then went back as well. 

Both Beau and Dick gave Dan a long look that screamed, ‘Sort this out now.’

Soon it was only Dan and Kyle left standing in the hallway. Neither of them were ready to go back to sleep. 

Kyle tilted his head toward the back and Dan followed. He closed the divider between the bunks and the back area to give them some privacy. 

“Are you okay?” Dan asked as he hugged his arms around his middle. His whole body hurt now, but not as much as his hand. It felt like it might be broken. Keeping his right hand on top of his other arm, he loosened his grip on himself. “I would have never done that if I knew I was hitting you.” 

“I know.” Kyle smiled toward him but whined as his cheek muscle moved. “It was that guy right? That asshole that hurt you?” 

Dan nodded his head in answer. It felt like a dream but also so very real at the same time. 

“Then I’m glad you beat the shit out of him.” Kyle leaned his head back against the window and tried to block out the pain he felt. Dan had retreated to the bunks but then got up for the show. He was a bit robotic but no one seemed to notice too much. He had quickly went back to the bunks afterward. 

Kyle thought he needed space so he stayed away from him. Until Dan started shouting throughout the bus during his dream. Kyle hadn’t been able to sleep even before that but now he felt exhausted. 

He tried to calm Dan when Dan was shouting but he didn’t have the time. Dan was attacking him before he could even do anything to stop him. 

“I’m sorry.” Dan’s voice broke and he felt everything at once. The fear and panic from what happened with Kyle earlier and the nightmare with Thomas undressing him with thousands of people filming them. “I’m trying to sort this out but I...I don’t know what I’m doing. I held it down for so long and now it is ruining everything. It ruined us.” 

“What are you on about?” Kyle slowly raised his head, mindful that the pain was spreading further across his face. 

“Us. We can’t be together now.” Dan looked down to his feet, he couldn’t look at Kyle knowing that he was the one that caused his face to look like that. “You can’t be with me now. Not after I did that...to you.” 

“I’m not ending this.” Kyle stood and walked closer but slowly to not startle him. He hated that he needed to even approach him with so much caution. “Hey, look at me.” 

Dan bit underneath his lip and looked up, but at the curtain of the window behind Kyle’s head, still not able to look at his face. 

“Well done. Now look _ at _ me.” Kyle took another step closer to block out everything around him. Dan was stood against the storage cabinets and Kyle was mindful that Dan might feel trapped but it was needed. “At my eyes.” 

Dan listened and found Kyle looking back at him. He was worried but there was love there. He was looking at him the same way he always looked at him. 

“I’m not going to let him take away us.” Kyle took a deep breath before continuing. “He took away enough from you as it is. I’m not going anywhere. That wasn’t you. Not really. I know that.” 

“I'm so sorry.” Dan felt himself start to cry but he was trying to hold it back. He hated crying and Kyle was the one hurt. He shouldn’t be crying. Not when he hurt him. “I’m so sorry.” 

“I know.” Kyle took another step and rested his head on Dan’s shoulder, showing him he was not afraid of him. Taking Dan’s hands, he unfolded them from each other and put them around his back. Kyle moved in closer and hugged him with even pressure. “I forgive you.” 

Dan allowed himself to relax into the feeling of Kyle around him. It was the same freeing feeling of being in the field dancing along with everyone. Kyle could calmed everything down inside his head. Except for when he didn’t listen. 

“You have to listen when I tell you to stop or that I don’t want to do something.” Dan spoke into Kyle’s hair. “I can’t manage it if you don’t listen when we are doing that.” 

“I’m sorry.” Kyle raised his head and found Dan’s eyes in the dark. He had gotten lost in the moment and forgot everything. He forgot that even though Dan was making great strides toward working through his past, that there were still issues that Kyle needed to be careful around. “I just got so wrapped up in you and us. And the sweatshirt was holding me close to you, like I couldn’t leave and it was amazing. Like a protective bubble around me that you created for me. For us. I will do better.” 

“I forgive you.” Dan leaned his head forward and rested it on Kyle’s forehead. Before remembering and pulling back, “Is this okay?” 

“Yes.” Kyle leaned his head back against Dan’s. “It is mainly my cheek. You have a strong right hook. Did I use that term right?” 

“Fuck if I know.” Dan let out his breath. He still felt awful that he had hurt him. “I’m so sorry.” 

“I know.” Kyle smiled. He head still hurt but he would be okay. “I have never gotten into a brawl before. Now I can cross that off my list of things to experience.” 

“It isn’t funny.” Dan tried to move back but he found he didn’t have enough energy to move. “We shouldn’t kid about me having a panic attack in a nightmare and punching you.” 

“What did he do? In the dream?” Kyle swallowed and took another longer breath. He wanted to know what he did to make Dan react that way. 

Dan closed his eyes and focused on the feel of Kyle against him. He hated talking about this but it was necessary. The more he talked about it, the more he normalized it for himself. The more it took the power away from Thomas and gave it back to himself. 

“I was at a music festival, but in the crowd as just a person. Not someone that goes on stage and makes people look at them. It was amazing. The mud underneath our feet and the buzz of alcohol mixed with the sounds of the music moving through our bodies. We were just one out there. I wasn’t me, but one of them.” 

“I know the feeling.” Kyle smiled thinking of his festival memories. It was the best to lose yourself among everyone. 

“But then there were hands on me. His hands but he had your rings and your bracelets. He wouldn’t listen. He took off my sweatshirt and I was bare chested with everyone looking at me. He was laughing at me. The people had cameras and they were all pointed at me. It was like every nightmare I have had combined into one. Then he took off my jeans and I could feel his hands on my bare hips...and I just couldn’t...I just couldn’t let him do that to me. Not again. Something took me over and I knew that I was either going to stop him or die trying. That must have been when I hit you. I thought I was punching him. Your face faded into the dream but it was still him.” 

“That makes sense.” Kyle hugged Dan closer. “I’m proud of you for standing up to him. Not that you did anything wrong when it happened, but I’m proud that you are standing up to him now.” 

“I can’t let him have the power anymore.” Dan wished he hadn’t hurt Kyle in the process but he felt stronger. “Not if it means losing you.” 

“Already told you. Not going anywhere.” Kyle swayed them a bit. “But, no promises if you swing at me again. I might have to swing back.” 

“I will never in my life swing at you when I’m fully conscious.” Dan swayed with him and closed his eyes. “That is a fact.” 

They stayed moving with one another for a few more minutes. Just healing by being together. 

“Want to sleep?” Kyle asked but didn’t move. 

“Never again do I want to sleep.” Dan shook his head and felt fear rise in his chest from the mere thought of going back to sleep. 

“What if you sleep with me?” Kyle stood back so Dan could see his face. “I will protect you from the dreams. Or, you don’t really need the protection because you proved you can hold your own in a scrum.” 

“Don’t want to sleep.” Dan shook his head again. He really did not want to tempt the chance of going back into that dream. He generally would go back into dreams like that. Just so his brain could torture him more. “If you are tired, I will stay awake and protect you. From me.” 

“I don’t need protection from you.” Kyle pulled them back so they could sit on the bench. It was small, but it would fit both of them. 

Dan sat and opened his arms, allowing Kyle to rest his head on his shoulder and avoid resting his cheek against anything. Kyle sighed into his shirt and soon was asleep. 

Dan stayed awake and watched over the bus. He was still awake when the sun started to rise and the bus pulled into the next stop. 

He would try to sleep later. 

Now, all he wanted was to count Kyle’s breaths and think of ways to make up for hurting him.  
  



	7. Chapter 7

Kyle woke with an ache in his neck and the left side of his face swollen. He tried to brush it off as nothing when Dan started to fuss over him, but Dan insisted on getting him food and something to drink. He then stayed by his side for most of the morning, with Dan consistently looking up from his phone to see if Kyle needed anything.

It was sweet but it was driving Kyle a bit mad as well. He was a grown man and he could handle a blow to the face.

He finally was able to sneak away from Dan for a few minutes to use the bathroom and take a shower, but Kyle returned to Will and Woody looking a bit panicked.

“What?” Kyle asked brushing back his wet hair off his face. He had only been gone for about forty minutes and everyone had been calm.

“Fucker is gone.” Woody pushed down his sleeves of his hoody with a bit more force than necessary. He was still hyped up from what happened. He never thought he would turn into a bouncer, especially with Dan. “He started shouting like last night and when we tried to talk to him, he pushed me away and left.”

“Someone hurt him, didn’t they?” Will asked with more concern in his voice than he typically displayed. “That is what this is all about. The nightmare and outbursts. Hitting you last night. The acting like a robot on stage. Maybe even what led to the infection from the sores on his hands.”

Kyle paused wondering if he should share such a guarded secret, but in the end he decided that they needed some explanation for the erratic behaviour from Dan. Kyle nodded his head and winced at the movement. “Yes. I think being with me, like he is, is bringing some things to the surface. I cannot say more without Dan. He will need to share the rest if he is comfortable with it.”

Woody let out a breath and allowed his irritation to leave him. Dan was acting like a prat, but maybe it wasn’t entirely his fault. “What can we do?”

Kyle let out a strained laugh and raised his arms as he shrugged. “I have no idea.”

Will shifted his feet. “We need to find him. I don’t know if he was fully awake when he ran off.”

Kyle searched for a few minutes until he found Dan in the writing room. He was sitting on the floor and hugging his knees, with his sweatshirt pulled up over his head.

“You awake?” Kyle asked gently as he lowered himself to the floor and sat next to Dan. He didn’t touch him.

“Never sleeping again. Ever.” Dan mumbled into his knees, hugging his legs tighter after covering up his hands with the sleeves of his sweatshirt. “Not if that keeps happening.”

“Same dream?” Kyle raised his legs and hugged them as well. He saw Woody and Will standing in the doorway out of the corner of his eye. He didn’t know if he wanted them hearing this but they were a part of it now. “Will and Woody are here.”

“Worse.” Dan raised his covered hands to rest over the hood on his head. This one had him on stage and Thomas undressing him in front of everyone. He fought back, but Thomas just kept coming toward him until he was naked. There were cameras and everyone was laughing. It was horrible.

Kyle reached to put his hand on Dan’s head but he stopped himself. Looking toward Will and Woody, he hoped they knew what to do. If Dan continued like this, he was going to exhaust himself and likely end up in hospital again.

“When was the last time you slept?” Will asked walking into the room. “Really slept?”

Dan shook his head against his knees. He was not going back to sleep. They would have to drug him if they wanted him to sleep. Speaking into his knees, Dan answered, “When Kyle and I were at the hotel.”

“You are going to exhaust yourself.” Woody walked in as well. His frustration from before was completely gone now seeing Dan curled up in himself on the floor.

Dan raised his head and looked at them all staring at him. He hated the looks on their faces. Like he was hopeless and needing caring after. Which sat curled up on the floor after hurting Kyle and someone else just then, he likely did. “Don’t make me sleep. Please.”

“Dan…” Kyle pushed himself against the wall and picked at his jeans. “Maybe you need to see a physician? They could give you something to help you sleep.”

“And then what?” Dan ran his hand through his hair, moving his hood off in the process. Frustrated, he brushed his other hand through his hair right afterward and then back to his other hand. It wasn’t working. It didn’t help. “Be trapped in the dream with him? With him taking my clothes off and people laughing? Or him pushing into me and making me bleed? And me just hurting you but I wouldn’t stop because I would not be able to wake up?”

“Dan-” Kyle tried again but Dan cut him off.

“Don’t use that tone with me. Don’t pity me.” Dan pulled at the hair on the back of his head. He was losing his mind. It was happening and there was no stopping it now. He tried for years to manage this and keep it at bay, but he was going to end up in one of those places shouting at the house plants.

“I don’t know what to do.” Kyle said hopeless. Looking up toward his band mates, he once again looked to them for what to do.

“What can we do?” Will asked with a gentle tone.

“I don’t know either.” Dan raised his head again. His eyes hurt and they were likely red. He was tired but he wouldn’t allow himself to sleep. Not anymore. “Just give me some grace and let me sort this out.”

“Okay.” Woody nodded his head and looked toward Will and then Kyle. “We have loads of time before we need to do anything. Will and I will take the interview later. Sound check can get pushed back if needed. Our support band is coming in soon. Just take some time and rest. Even if you don’t sleep, just rest.”

“Let us know if you need anything.” Will waited for Dan to acknowledge him and then he left with Woody following behind.

“Want me to go, go as well?” Kyle slowly let out his breath and waited for a response. Dan was staring off at the blank wall in front of him. “Hey, say your duck word.”

Dan laughed as he closed his eyes and pressed his head against the wall. He loved him so much. He wondered if he would visit him and give him house plants in the psychiatric hospital.

Kyle watched as Dan continued to laugh until his lost his voice. It was hard to watch him like this and not know what to do to help him. Maybe switching his attention back to him would help. It had seemed to help earlier. “Hey, help me off the floor. My ass hurts down here.”

Dan opened his eyes and pushed away some of his laughter or exhaustion tears with the ends of his sleeves. Looking toward Kyle, he saw his face was still swollen. He had done that and he felt absolutely gutted. There was a dark bruise on Kyle’s cheek that was turning different shades of colours.

Despite the bruise on his face and swollen skin, Kyle was still looking at him with love. He wondered what he did to deserve him and why Kyle hadn’t ran from him yet.

Yet.

Standing to distract himself from that train of thought, Dan reached his hand down when he was fully stood. Kyle came up quickly and swayed a second to get his footing. Before Dan could apologize, Kyle had his arms around his back and holding him close. 

“Don’t say you're sorry.” Kyle spoke into Dan’s shoulder, his arms tightening around Dan’s upper back. He could feel Dan breathing faster than normal and he knew he was working himself up again. “I forgave you a long time ago. We can get through this. Promise. I’m not going anywhere and neither are you.”

“Might be going to the psychiatric hospital to shout at house plants.” Dan laughed into Kyle’s shoulder as he tightened his grip on Kyle. Dan’s right hand still hurt but not as much as it did yesterday. Now there was just a dull ache and he was fairly certain it was not broken. “Promise me you will visit. And bring me more plants to shout at.”

“Promise.” Kyle laughed harder wondering what was going on in Dan’s brain. Either way, he would bring him whatever he wanted and visit him wherever he was. He was that far gone for him. “And I promise I will not make you sleep, but can you just lie down with me? Just rest a bit before we have to really do anything today?”

“I’m serious.” Dan unlatched his hands and pushed Kyle back from his hips. “I do not want to sleep. No lie down. Nothing that is going to make me sleep.”

“Okay.” Kyle nodded his head. He saw the fear in Dan’s eyes and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to convince him otherwise, or even trick him into sleeping by lying with him. “Coffee? Walk through the park? Swimming? What is on the agenda?”

“Coffee and walking.” Dan closed his eyes for a second and told himself to calm down. Kyle was listening and there was no need to panic. Opening his eyes, he found Kyle looking at him with concern. “Let’s go now? Just literally anywhere.”

The town they were in was a busy one with many people rushing about. It was good for distraction to watch people moving about their normal routine. They found a coffee shop and they took them to go. Kyle did not normally drink coffee but he needed it if he was going to continue to keep an eye on Dan.

Thankfully, no one said anything about Kyle’s face. If they did, Kyle had a whole skit he was rehearsing that said he was a fighter and lost a match. Or, in another version, he was in a bar brawl and 'you should see the other guy.' He was happy he did not need to use them.

Dan was quiet on the walk through the town. He was tired, especially behind his eyes. The caffeine was keeping his body awake but he knew he was going to have to sleep soon.

They circled around the town one more time before Dan received a text from Dick saying they needed to come back. People were starting to show up and they need to soundcheck.

Soundcheck was quick. Dan had another coffee that the venue provided and then another one after that. He would be fine if he could just get through the gig. 

The next day was a travel day and he would just stay awake by distracting himself with a number of bus activities.

Or attempt sleep and beat up someone else on the bus.

“You need to explain his face.” Beau sat down next to Dan in the backstage room. There were a few folding chairs around and Beau had pulled one close to sit next to the group. The very quiet group. He had known them for years, and they had never been so quiet before. “Tweet it or something. Damage control before you go on stage and someone posts about it.”

“We are not a boy band that needs ‘Damage Control’ like a bunch of lads.” Dan tightened his sweatshirt around himself and winced as his right hand was tucked under his arm. His hand started hurting again after soundcheck and it was going to be a challenge to get through the set playing with it. But, it was also a nice grounding feeling to focus on the pain.

“Then stop acting like one.” Beau gestured to Dan’s hand. “You need to explain that as well.”

“I’m going to tell the truth.” Dan opened his phone and went to the right app. “I don’t want to start lying to them.”

“Whatever. Just something so it doesn’t turn into a bigger story.” Beau raised his own phone to the group. “Label is concerned about everything that has happened lately. They understand the infection and the cancelled tour dates, that was out of your control. But now with interviewers creating stories and band mates hitting one another...they are preparing for breach of contract.”

“Tell them not to worry.” Dan stopped typing to look up. “Everything is fine. I’m still writing and recording here and there. They will have an album.”

“But will anyone care if the band self-destructs in the process?” Beau lowered the phone and waited for the response.

“We are not self-destructing.” Will leaned forward. “Dan is going through something and sorting it out. We will support him through it. Don’t put negative ideas into his head.”

Dan went back to his phone and found his hands were shaking. Too much caffeine. Definitely nerves.

**Turns out, I’m a boxer in my sleep. Only, I fight dirty and punch people trying to wake me up. Sorry, Kyle.**

“Kyle, look at the phone.” Dan held his phone up and Kyle made a silly face, but Dan’s hand was shaking too much to get a steady shot. After the second failed attempt, Dan handed his phone to Woody and stood up.

Woody took the picture and posted it for Dan. He turned off the phone before people started responding. Walking to the door where Dan was standing and leaning against the wall, he gave him back the phone.

Woody saw his hand shaking as he was handed the phone back. The support band was almost done with their set and they were to go on soon. “You going to make it through?”

“I am what...a few hundred to one?” Dan laughed putting his phone in his pocket and crossing his arms to stop the shaking. He put less pressure on his right hand but it still hurt. “I will make it through.”

Time went quickly following the tweet. Dan did not look at his phone before they went on stage, but he saw people looking when Kyle walked out onto the stage.

Swallowing his nerves and blinking away the exhaustion behind his eyes, Dan fixed his mic and waited for Woody to led them in.

He faked it well enough. His voice cracked on a word, not even a high note, but soon the song was done. He had been scanning the crowd and saw that the majority of the cameras were pointed toward Kyle.

If it was an average gig, he would have been happy that the attention was off him. But now, even with the cameras on Kyle, he felt like they were on him because he was the cause of his face.

“Hello, everybody.” Dan pushed away some sweat from his forehead with his left hand. He spoke with his body faced toward Kyle but his head turned to the audience, not moving the mic from its stand. “Everyone alright?”

The crowd cheered back and Dan smiled.

“Good.” Dan adjusted the mic arm again and winced as his hand protested the movement. “A bit banged up myself.”

Dan held his hand up to the audience. “First time in my life I punch someone and I’m not conscious for it.”

The crowd responded and then looked toward Kyle.

“Kyle was my sparring partner.” Dan smiled trying to keep it light. He found Kyle’s eyes and saw him give him the okay to continue. “I think I took him by surprise. Otherwise, I would have been knocked out first.”

Kyle leaned in closer to his mic and raised his arms in a dramatic pose. “Imagine this. Lying in your bunk, going down the road, engine and wheels loud, and you hear this one screaming. He is loud even without the microphone. Being the nice geyser that I am, I go to see what all the racket is. Mainly just to shut him up so I can go back to sleep. Then pop, right in the face. Literally did not have time to curse and pop again. Woody protected me. Full football tackle to the ground. Then, he wakes up and I feel bad because he was only dreaming. Thought we were going to have to change careers to, I dunno, wrestlers or boxers or something.”

“True story.” Woody spoke into his mic and nodded his head. “Been training for ages for that moment. Took him to the ground in one swift motion.”

"I haven't trained." Will deadpanned into his mic before moving to the side to face Woody but stay near the mic. "Can you teach me the ways of the football tackle? Self-protection for the bus ride tonight. Can't mess up this mug. Got agents calling me for my good looks." 

Dan laughed. A genuine laugh that made him lean forward. Standing back up to talk into the mic, he let out another giggle before he could continue. “I have the best mates. Really. They could have all turned on me. Finally their chance to be done with me and my bullshit. But they can joke about it. I mean, I woke them up screaming like a mad person and acting like one, but they ask if I’m okay? Everyone is getting helmets for the bus.”

The crowd laughed with them and Dan decided it was time to continue.

“Okay, enough of that. Jeez, we are turning into the Kardashians or something with all this drama.” Dan laughed again, bending over at a thought. Getting himself somewhat together, he asked after standing up, “Think Kanye will marry me if this continues? Do you know the Kardashians over here? You must. I don't give a fuck about them but I have to know about them so you must as well.”

The audience cheered louder and soon they were dancing and singing along as the next song started.

Backstage. Shower. Drinks. Smile for photos. Bus.

Dan went to the back of the bus before anyone had a chance to ask him anything.

He had looked at the response from the post and the videos already up from the show. Everything was positive and no one suspected that Dan was losing his mind. At least no one posted that theory.

“Can I join you?” Kyle opened the door and peeked his head inside. The swelling had gone down some since earlier that day.

“Depends on whether you are going to tell me to sleep or not.” Dan looked up from his phone and waited for Kyle’s response. He was not going to sleep. Not until at least tomorrow when he wouldn’t wake anyone up.

“Sleep? Who needs sleep?” Kyle walked in and shut the door behind him. Exaggerating opening his eyes, he leaned forward and kissed Dan’s forehead. “See, eyes wide open.”

“I’m-”

“Sorry.” Kyle finished for him and gave him a kiss on the mouth before sitting on the bench opposite from him. “I know, dear.”

“Dear?” Dan laughed. That was a new one.

“Trying it out.” Kyle smiled. “What, no good? Darling?”

“A bit cheesy, innit?”

“I’m all cheese. All the time.” Kyle stretched his leg out and kicked at Dan’s foot across from him. “That will be my wrestling name. Or maybe cage fighter?”

“I love you.” Dan smiled seeing Kyle looking at him with one eyebrow raised. “So much.”

“I know that. What isn't to love about me? Ray of fucking sunshine, I am.” Kyle gestured toward the laptop. “Anything new?”

“Not new, but improved.” Dan turned toward the laptop and took it over to sit next to Kyle on the bench. “Hopefully, improved...”

Kyle hit the button to start the track and listened as Dan laid his head on Kyle’s shoulder. Before the track was done, Dan’s breathing had evened out and he was sleeping.

Kyle moved the laptop back to the table and moved Dan down so his head was in his lap. He could watch to see if Dan fell into the dream better at that angle.

Dan was so exhausted that he didn’t wake when he was moved, with Kyle able to put a spare hoody over his chest and tuck him in a bit. He gently took off his glasses and put them on top of the computer. Running his hand through his hair, he watched as the lines on Dan’s forehead relaxed.

He spent the next hour waiting for a sign that Dan was in distress. When that didn’t happen, he opened his phone for a few more minutes and then fell into his own sleep. One hand on Dan’s head and the other resting on his chest.

Dan opened his eyes when the bus jerked to a stop. There was sunlight coming in through the cracks of the curtains. Kyle’s hand was on his chest. Looking up to find his face, Dan was happy that it really was Kyle.

Kyle’s head was leaned back against the window and Dan could see the multicoloured bruise on his cheek. It was real. He was awake.

Had he slept?

Looking down toward his chest, he found Coop’s hoody resting on him as a makeshift blanket.

He must have slept.

Looking toward his hands, he found no new bruises or aches.

Maybe he actually slept. He still felt a bit tired but not like last night.

When his eyes were drooping in the shower and he almost fell asleep dressing himself.

He had went to the back of the bus to distract himself with music. Kyle followed.

He had slept.

Moving Kyle’s hand, Dan slowly stood up to not disturb Kyle. He needed rest.

Dan found his glasses after searching for a few minutes and then opened the divider as quietly as possible. People were moving about. Must be a quick stop for toilets and snacks.

Dan followed the group off the bus and raised his head to Will in greeting. Everyone else was rushing to complete the tasks before the bus left again.

“Try not to get left behind?” Will teased in his deadpan tone before turning the corner and walking into the shop.

Dan stayed outside and walked around to stretch his legs.

_Headspin. Happiness. Death._

_Oh what I'd do to not to worry like you..._

Dan sang into his phone quickly to get it out of his head. Maybe some new lyrics for the tune that had been stuck in his head for the past few weeks.

Watching the traffic go down the road, Dan ran his hand through his hair and closed his eyes. He still couldn’t believe he had slept.

“You look like you could use some company.” A man’s voice said from behind him.

Dan needed the opposite of company at the moment and he hoped the man took the hint. If he was more in his right mind, he would have wondered why the man was speaking to him in English when the country's language was not English.

“I like it here. Can always meet some new people.” The man’s voice got closer to him. “Such as cute lads like you.”

Dan had heard that before. It was hazy but it had been said to him in a gay pub.

A gay pub ages ago.

Turning, Dan saw Thomas standing behind him. He was wearing what he always wore in his dreams. The same button up and trousers as that night.

A memory frozen in time.

Until Dan unfroze it and had to start dealing with the fall out from his stupid decision.

“What are you doing here?” Dan found his voice but it was weak. Thomas never spoke to him before in the dreams. Only grabbing at his clothes and laughing at him.

Was he awake? Was this real?

“Same as you.” Thomas smiled and Dan could almost feel his breath on his back. The same as when Thomas had kissed down his back ages ago. “Trying to fill that hole in my soul.”

“That is not what you said.” Dan crossed his arms and took a step back. He had been drunk during their last encounter but he was fairly certain Thomas had never said that. His mind was fucking with him and it was doing a swell job. 

“What? Don’t like your own lyrics?” Thomas laughed.

It was that laugh. The one he probably never heard in real life but haunted him in his dreams. A laugh that said he was not good enough and no one would care to love him.

“What is this?” Dan tightened his arms and found his hand no longer hurt. Was he really dreaming or was he daydreaming? Was it like talking to that man when he had the fever? Was he ill again?

“What do you want it to be?” Thomas looked up at him and waited. 

“I want you to go away.” Dan took a breath and said what he really wanted to say. “I wish Ralph could have just loved me back and I would have never met you. I wish you wouldn’t have taken advantage of me. I wish you wouldn’t have made me bleed. I wish you...you never made me distrust anyone that would ever want to be with me.”

“Too bad I’m not one of those genies. You know, those blue ones in the oil lamp? Like in that cartoon Kyle likes to watch?” Thomas smirked at his own joke. “Then I could make all those wishes come true...or at least three of them. Isn’t that the rule? Or maybe Kyle would prefer it to be one of those sexy woman genies? The ones in bottles? Kyle likes the pretty ladies...much better than he is ever going to like you. You are just a phase, you know? Oh, did you not know? That is cute."

Dan bit underneath his lip and looked around him. The bus was still there and Will was walking toward him.

Turning back, he found Thomas was gone.

“You alright there, champ?” Will asked with his snacks in his hand.

“Was there anyone here?” Dan asked, looking further around them. “Talking to me? Like just before you came over?”

“No.” Will shook his head and then titled it to the side. “You seeing things again?”

“I don’t know. He was here though.” Dan squeezed his arms and found his right hand hurt again.

“The one with the sparkly eyes?” Will took a bite of his pretzel as he looked around their area. He had no idea who he was looking for, but it seemed like the thing to do. 

“No.” Dan shook his head. Looking down to his feet, Dan wondered how to explain it. “The one I was fighting. In that stupid dream. Dreams. Fucking nightmares that play out in my mind.”

“The motherfucker that hurt you?” Will stopped chewing. He was concerned that Dan was ill again. With the infection he had said he had been hallucinating a man with sparkly eyes but he never said he ever saw anyone else.

“Yes.” Dan nodded his head but kept his eyes down. “Stupid mistake I made when uni was almost done. Went home with an older man when I was drunk. I was so stupidly tabled and he...yeah...I don’t think he used anything and it hurt so much. I had to go to a clinic afterward. It hurt to shit. It was all so stupid. Now...now…”

Will watched as Dan started to shutdown on him. Standing closer, he wrapped his arm around his shoulder and gave him a side hug. “Kill that motherfucker before he kills you.”

Dan let out a short breath at Will’s words. Always the poet that one was. “And how do you reckon I do that?”

“Not quite sure. But, keep fighting him in your dreams and keep talking about him. To Kyle, or to us. He will go away when you show him you are not afraid of him any longer. Kill him.” Will pulled Dan along back to the bus.

“I’m putting a fucking tracking device on you, I swear to God!” Kyle greeted them as they walked back onto the bus. He had woken with a start and found that Dan was gone. And then that he was not on the bus. He was about to go outside to look for him when the door opened and Dan followed Will onto the bus. 

“It is okay.” Dan hugged Kyle seeing how worked up he was. His face looked better but it was filled with worry. That was his look and it did not look good on Kyle. “Just went to get some fresh air.”

“Did you sleep?” Kyle asked into Dan’s ear. The rest of the crew was around and he didn’t want to make too much of a deal about this, but he needed to ask.

“Yes.” Dan took Kyle’s hand and led him to the back of the bus.

“Did you really?” Kyle shut the door and wondered if this was his new spot as well. Dan had declared it unofficially at the beginning of the tour but Kyle had spent almost just as much time back here with him. “Sleep?”

“I did.” Dan nodded and reached for his laptop. He wanted to get the lyrics and melody down from the song he had heard in his head before Thomas showed himself. “I didn’t dream. Not until I was awake.”

“Explain.” Kyle sat down across from him.

“Thomas was out there.” Dan said as he searched for the cord to plug in the computer. Finding it, he put it in and sat back waiting for it to restart. “I spoke with him. He is still an asshole.”

“What?” Kyle asked running his hands through his hair. Maybe Dan really was losing his mind a bit.

“I dunno.” Dan shrugged and ran his hand across his forehead. “I was thinking about a song and he was just there. Talking to me. Using that dumb chat up line he used in the pub. I don’t remember much of the first conversation we had, but it wasn’t the whole thing. He tried to use lyrics against me. Now. Not then. He didn’t say them then, the first time, I know it. And then Will showed up and told me to kill him. Actually, his words were kill the motherfucker before he kills me. I like that.”

“So you want to go to that psychiatric hospital today? Or would tomorrow work better?” Kyle asked only half joking. Dan was hallucinating again and he was talking about it like he was telling him what he had for breakfast. “Seriously, what the fuck?”

“I’m not worried about it.” Dan laughed at his statement. “Wow, never heard myself say that before.”

The computer chimed as it started back up. Dan gave it a minute to load the program and he looked up to see Kyle still looking at him.

“I think it is a good thing. I can talk to him and get some things out of my mind.” Dan kicked Kyle’s foot like Kyle had to him the night before. “Maybe I can make him go away. Hey, he didn’t rip my clothes off and expose me in front of a group of people. That is progress.”

Kyle nodded his head at a loss for words.


	8. Chapter 8

They finished off the short leg of the tour and were now traveling by plane to the first festival of the season. 

Dan went back to his old sleeping schedule, which was less than what he probably needed but the nightmares had almost completely stopped. He stopped sleepwalking, or sleep fighting, during them and there were no new bruises on tour. At least from that. He was still massively clumsy. 

Thomas popped up here and there during Dan’s day. Sometimes he had a snide comment about Dan but other times he just stared at Dan. Dan knew Thomas was just a figment of his imagination. He tried to send him off at times, but he would just re-appear. 

Dan shouted at him at times. He tried to do it only when he was alone, but he scared their merch crew member once when he shouted, ‘Fuck off!’ after Thomas commented on Kyle’s wondering eyes. Dan laughed it off, but Ben kept his distance from him for a few days following his outburst. 

“Humans are not meant to fly. Otherwise, we would have wings.” Kyle gripped the armrest of his seat when the plane started shaking with turbulence. There was a film playing in front of him, but he couldn’t tell someone the plot if his life depended on it. The plane ride had been turbulent since they started and they still had at least two hours left. 

“Nor are they meant to swim or be in the ocean according to you.” Dan laughed as he went through the list of songs on his computer. He had around ten mostly finished ones and around fifteen others that were in parts and pieces. Once they had a strong internet connection at the festival, he was going to send a few demos over to the label. He figured it would help appease some of their concerns about the band as of late. Or the opposite and have them pull all their funding. “Sorry, can’t drive everywhere, mate.” 

“I say we stay stationary next tour. Let the people come, come to us.” Kyle felt the plane jerk again and the screen in front of him went dark. Kyle heard Woody let out a frustrated sound behind him. All the screens must have went out. 

_ Please stay seated and fastened. We are going through a patch of rough skies. I tried to fly higher to get out of this patch, but seems there is no escaping it. Our video system went down for a minute. Someone is working on getting it started again. Stand by. _

Kyle turned to Dan calmly going through his laptop when the announcement switched to Spanish from English. Dan would freak out about a number of things he did not need to freak out about, but part of the plane not working did not seem to phase him. “Fucking plane is shutting down and you are just merrily going through demo tracks? The time to panic is now.” 

Dan turned his attention away from his laptop to see Kyle’s knuckles white as he gripped the armrests. His eyes were wide and there was a layer of sweat on his forehead. His chest was moving fast underneath his thin shirt. Dan could see the outline of Kyle’s nipple and he stopped himself from thinking about that further because it was not the time. 

“No need to panic. Planes are safe.” Dan used his hand to release the hand that was closest to him from the armrest. Taking Kyle’s hand in his own, he rubbed his thumb back and forth on the back of Kyle’s hand. “We are fine.” 

“Your imaginary monster tell you that?” Kyle said in frustration. He entertained the majority of Dan’s worries but he felt like Dan was brushing him off. This was actually something they needed to be worried about. Fuck people not showing up to a show. Kyle wanted to make sure he would show up to the airport in one piece. 

“I know you are not yourself right now, but that wasn’t nice.” Dan said in a calm tone while he continued to stroke the back of Kyle’s hand. He didn’t know why he didn’t panic about planes.

Dan was used to Kyle panicking on planes. Kyle had a lot of fears himself and it was likely another reason him and Dan got along so well. Woody had a fear of heights, but otherwise the others in the group seemed to manage life so much better. 

It was Kyle and Dan panicking during their first couple of shows. Kyle holding his breath too long and almost passing out in concentration. Woody would get into the ‘I’m going to bash some shit out of these drums’ mode and Will would get into the ‘I’m a fucking rockstar, look at me’ mode. Meanwhile, Dan was hiding in the back trying to get words to come out his mouth and Kyle was stood stiff off to the side looking at his keyboard and reminding himself to breathe. 

Kyle could handle it better than Dan because he was not the focus of attention. Dan still did not know how he managed to get through shows. He told himself if he panicked that much but he still got up there and could sing, there must be a reason for it. He must be meant to do it. 

“I’m never flying again.” Kyle said as the plane jerked and the screen in front of him turned back on. “I will only do gigs in countries I can drive to. Get someone else to fill in for me overseas.” 

“If you never fly again, how are you going to get your ass home?” Dan said as he leaned in closer. He wasn’t going to kiss him because they were on a plane but he wanted to be closer. 

“I will take a boat. Or a ship.” Kyle said without thinking. 

“And then you will be in shark territory.” Dan leaned in just a bit closer, he was near Kyle’s ear now. “And we both know you hate sharks more than you hate flying. Best stick to the skies. With me. If you took a boat, it would take days and I don’t want to be away from you for that long.” 

Kyle would have smiled if he had control over his face but he was still panicking because the plane was shaking. Instead he leaned his head against Dan’s for a second and allowed himself to take a deeper breath. What he wouldn’t give to be on the ground and alone with Dan. Or at least around their people and not have to worry about what it would look like if he buried his head into Dan’s sweatshirt. Kyle could see the appeal of hiding away inside that thing. 

_ Good news. I found a patch of air that seems to be smoother. I will stay up here until we get closer to the airport. We are running 30 minutes behind. Please make adjustments to your schedule if you have any connecting flights. Thank you. _

The captain was right and the plane stopped shaking as much. Kyle lessened his grip on the armrest and stretch out his hand as the Spanish version of the message played.

“I want to try something.” Dan spoke into Kyle’s ear. He had been thinking about it for awhile and he wondered what Kyle’s thoughts were about it. 

He only had one memory of sex with someone and it was a horrible memory. Maybe he could make Thomas go away if he replaced the memory with one with Kyle. He was nervous about it and knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he was willing to try. 

He hoped Kyle would be willing as well. 

“Having people come to us instead of us going to them?” Kyle joked looking Dan in the eyes. “Sold. Who do we need to convince? Because I am there.” 

Dan shook his head and looked around them. No one seemed to be paying them any mind. Woody and Will were behind them. Dick and Beau were in front of them. And to Kyle’s side was an elderly man that had been asleep since the plane reached altitude. 

“With you.” Dan swallowed and moved in closer so he could talk directly into Kyle’s ear. He kept his voice low. “When we land and have free time. I want you...to have sex with you. Proper sex with me. You, um, inside me.” 

Kyle raised his hand to move Dan’s head back so he could look at his eyes. He kept his hand on the back of Dan’s neck, not caring if anyone got the wrong idea. Or the right idea, in their case. 

“My heart is going about a million beats a minute and my thoughts are all panicky.” Kyle was not in the right mindset to have this conversation. “I want to have this conversation with you on the ground. If we land in one piece, that is.” 

“You don’t want to?” Dan spoke before he could stop himself. He knew what it was like to need time to think when he was like that and it wasn’t fair, but his default mode was insecure. 

“I did not say that.” Kyle closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Dan’s. “I want to have this conversation when I’m not planning out what the airline is going to tell my mum about my death.” 

“Okay.” Dan told himself to listen and not take it as rejection, but there was a voice in his head telling him it was rejection. 

And the voice sounded like Thomas’s voice. 

Fuck him. 

  
  


The festival was an outdoor festival with multiple acts. There were people everywhere. Literally everywhere. 

Even the backstage areas were packed with musical acts, band members, sound people, managers, journalists, radio people, festival staff, family members, janitorial staff, everyone. 

Outside of their bus and a small tent among multiple tents in the area, there were no private locations to have a serious talk about their relationship and increasing their physical intimacy. 

Dan understood. It was the life they were somehow allowed to lead. They had to make sacrifices to keep doing what they were doing. It was a dream job but it was still a job. Nothing in life is free. 

The band went to see an act near the edge of the roped off area and then split up following the set. 

Dan checked his phone and found he had a text from the label representative. It was encouraging. They liked what they heard and had a few notes they wanted to discuss at their next meeting. But just knowing that they knew he was still working and they liked it put his mind at ease. At least enough to enjoy the rest of the festival. 

Kyle stayed with Dan and they worked their way into the middle of the crowd for a popular hip hop group. The music was loud and the crowd was rowdy. They stayed bouncing around with everyone for a few minutes until the area they were in turned more into a mosh pit than anything else. 

Kyle pulled Dan away from a hunch man that was throwing himself into people right before Dan was to be in his path. The man hit someone else instead and they both started bashing into one another as Dan and Kyle left the crowd. 

“Almost lost you there.” Kyle dropped his hand from Dan’s forearm now that they were out in the open. There were people everywhere, and while they had not been recognized yet, it was always a Russian Roulette to walk around a festival where your band was playing. 

“Can we go somewhere?” Dan stepped in closer, his heart was beating faster and he wanted to be with Kyle. It wasn’t anxiety or fear making his heart go fast, it was want. A want that had been increasing since Kyle and him started going together. “Please? Find somewhere alone?” 

Kyle nodded and they found themselves on the bus. Everyone had abandoned it for the day. Even their bus driver was off having fun. 

Dan should have looked to see if all their curtains were drawn but Kyle was right there and he didn’t want to think. 

Stepping into Kyle’s space, Dan used his hands to pull Kyle down to his lips by his neck. Their tongues found one another and Dan let out a sound he had never made before. He wanted him. He didn’t think he ever just wanted someone so much. 

Kyle moaned into the kiss as Dan attacked him. He liked when Dan would get like this. Completely outside his head and fully with him. Taking what he wanted. And what he wanted was what Kyle wanted as well. 

Kyle found himself holding back at times with his desire to be with Dan. He knew he needed to be careful and he needed to read the entire situation before he did something that would make Dan panic. 

After their first night together, he wanted everything with Dan but he knew they needed to take their time. 

Kyle had never been with a man like he was with Dan but he knew he wanted more. He was nervous because it was new but he wanted it. 

He had even went as far as researching it online. Mostly to make sure if they ever did anything, he would be able to make sure it did not hurt Dan. 

Kissing back as he moved his hands from Dan’s hips up to take hold of Dan’s hands on his neck, Kyle moved Dan’s hands down in between them and took a small step back. They were both breathing hard and if Kyle were to move their hands just right, he would be able to feel how hard Dan was in his jeans. 

“Talk time.” Kyle smiled kissing the corner of his mouth. Dan tried to keep the kissing going but he backed his head away. “No, no, no. Talk time.” 

“I want you.” Dan breathed against Kyle’s lips. “I want you inside me.” 

Kyle closed his eyes at the image Dan created in his head and took a few breaths to even his thinking. “We need to talk about that before we do anything. I want to make sure you are okay. And that you will stay okay.” 

“I’ve never wanted it before you.” Dan took his hands away from Kyle’s and took a step backward so his bum was against the kitchen counter. If he was going to have this conversation, he needed distance between them. He wouldn’t be able to think otherwise. “Well, I wanted it before...before Thomas. I wanted to experience it and get it over with. Not surprisingly, no one gave a shit about me before I lost the weight.” 

Kyle brushed his shirt down from where it had rode up on his stomach when they had been kissing. Dan rarely spoke about this and he knew it was important. 

“School was the worst, you know? I had that one random kiss with someone I never saw again and it was the highlight of my life.” Dan swallowed and took a breath. “It wasn’t the same for me. Everyone was getting their first boyfriends and girlfriends. Going on dates and having little dramas about who liked who. No one...no one...I was invisible. But not because I was massive.” 

Kyle wanted to move closer and hug him but he had a feeling that Dan didn’t want that right now. Sitting down on one of the benches, Kyle kept his eyes on Dan, showing him he had his full attention. 

“I thought, okay, university. Right?” Dan brushed away a tear from his eye and looked down to the floor. He crossed his arms around himself and pulled at the hairs near his elbow. “Go find myself. Get away from all those idiots that didn’t care about me. Well, uni was almost worse because everyone was about sex. I liked girls and I liked boys. Definitely boys more than girls. Just no one liked me.” 

Dan smiled remembering his meeting with Ralph. “Ralph wasn’t like that. He didn’t look at my weight. Never once commented on it. He never looked at me with pity. He always included me. No matter what it was, he invited me along. He tried to hook me up with people, those random two woman, but he never commented when it didn’t work out. I didn’t tell him about liking guys, not really. There were a lot of things I couldn’t really get myself to say back then. I wanted to tell him about writing music, but I couldn’t. He was, like, a proper musician in a band. A band! What would he care about my dumb waffling about the world?” 

Kyle had heard some of this story before, Dan meeting Ralph as a first year that was so shy and introverted he wouldn’t make conversation with Ralph unless Ralph started talking first. And about Ralph walking past Dan’s room one day and hearing something he thought was a recording, but realized it was Dan when it randomly stopped and started again. But he never heard it from this angle. 

“I was so embarrassed when he found out I was writing and playing. So embarrassed. But he said I was good and I could be great if I shared it with people. I told him he was insane and just being nice. He tried to get me to sing in front of people and my voice...it wouldn’t make any sound in front of people. I wrote with him a bit but he didn’t push it. He didn’t make me sing if I didn’t want to. I could sing with him but not when anyone else was ‘round. He was the most wonderful person in the world to me and it was so easy to fall in love with him. But, then he got a girlfriend and my heart...my heart felt like someone smashed it.”

Dan dug his nails into his arm and then looked up to see if Kyle was still listening. He was so he continued. 

“I knew I had to make a change. I needed to lose the weight and maybe he would notice me. Maybe he could love me like he loved her. It was a stupid idea but I set my mind to it. It was working and I was getting smaller, I felt better. It wasn’t just physical weight I was losing, I was losing emotional weight as well. I told him I was in love with him. But, it wasn’t the weight with him. I should have known that but I didn’t. I just...I wanted him to love me back _ so much_. I knew I could be happy with him. But he was straight. So bleeding straight. He was nice about it, but I was a wreck. It was like all the smashed pieces of my heart got smashed again.” 

Dan let out a breath and focused his thoughts. He was getting a bit lost talking so much. 

“I was starting to get different attention once I lost the weight. It was like a magic trick, but I made myself appear rather than disappear. A few guys found interest in me but it was nothing more than a few kisses at parties. They were probably like you and not really interested in men, but lost in the moment. Anyway, none of them wanted to have sex with me. It just wasn’t like that. And I didn’t really want to with them either. They were people that I was going to see again at parties. I figured a gay pub outside of the university. I had to build myself up to go. Like, went and left before I could even walk in the door. I had to intoxicate myself to get myself to walk through the door and stay. That should have been my first clue that I had no business being there. But Ralph….he was so happy with her and I wanted someone. I wanted someone to love _ me_. I knew what I would do with any man there, if they even wanted me, was not going to be love, but at least it would be a start in that direction. Get that monkey off my back as it were. But it wasn’t….it so very much wasn’t. Well, you know what happened next.” 

Kyle wiped at his eyes and held back his emotions. Dan had shared a lot with him in a very short period of time. He had known him for years but he felt like he understood him so much better now. 

“I’m not good at this. Relationship stuff. I have had no practice. I know I keep saying that but I don’t know if you quite understand.” Dan pulled harder at a hair on his arm and then let it go looking up again. “I didn’t have a schoolmate girlfriend or boyfriend. I don’t have a cute first date story. I don’t have any reference for this. None. I have one first kiss that was amazing but nothing and a broken heart from a man that never loved me. A few random men I wanked off and then never saw again. I wanted someone to love me but I don’t know how to even love myself. I lost the weight but I’m still that same person. You are so fucking scary to me. So terrifying. And I know I keep saying that as well. But...But, I love you so much. _ So much. _ More than I think I ever loved Ralph back when he consumed my every thought. I want to have sex with you. All the way sex that men have and not have to think twice about it. As much as that terrifies me, I want it because it would be with you.” 

Kyle wiped away a few more tears. That was a lot to process all at once. “I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“We will talk through the whole thing.” Dan wiped away a stray tear from his eye and shifted his feet, his eyes going down to Kyle’s feet. They were getting the floor a bit muddy. “I want good memories of being with someone. I want those good memories to be with you.” 

“I want that as well.” Kyle ran his hands through his hair and kept them at the back of his neck, his arms bent and framing his face. “I looked up how to do it. So it, it wouldn’t hurt, hurt you. Or me? We could start with me. I loved it when you had your fingers in, in me.” 

“You looked it up?” Dan said shyly, looking at Kyle but keeping his head down. “Like porn or something?” 

“No, men’s health websites.” Kyle lowered his arms and stood. Walking closer, he stepped back into Dan’s space and waited for him to look up at him. It took a while but Dan eventually raised his head. Putting his hands on his hips, Kyle leaned in closer so that he was pressed against Dan and holding him back against the counter. “And a few gay men’s websites. They all said to go slow and use lube. Lots of lube. That it is more of a marathon than a sprint. Sport metaphors. And that, that anal sex wasn’t for everyone so if you didn’t like it, that, that was okay.” 

“I…” Dan leaned his head forward and rested it on Kyle’s chest, closing his eyes and allowing the nerves to pass through him. “I didn’t know if I would ever want to do it again. But I want to with you. I want that closeness with you.” 

Kyle kissed the back of Dan’s head and kept his face in his hair. It smelled sweet but also a bit sweaty given they were jumping around in the field. 

Kyle rested there for a moment and allowed everything that happened to settle. He felt Dan’s hand take his own and move it toward the back waist of his jeans. 

Dan moved his hands to his front to unbutton and zip his jeans and then stepped forward so there was space between himself and the counter. His head moved up to Kyle’s shoulder, with his face turned inward so he could see Kyle. He found Kyle’s hand and moved it back so it went underneath the band of his pants. 

Kyle knew what Dan was doing and he helped him once Dan opened his stance. Lowering his hand down, Kyle moved his first two fingers inside Dan’s cheeks and placed them near his hole. He wasn’t going to do anything else until they had the lube, but Dan appeared to be testing some waters so he followed his pace. 

Dan pushed his hips back against Kyle’s fingers and sighed. It was weird to have Kyle do this in the middle of where everyone spent their free time, but it was nice. He never allowed himself to explore this part of sex after Thomas. He scolded himself for even thinking about him, but he knew he was going to be present throughout whatever Kyle and him did, especially for the first time. 

Kyle pressed his fingers against Dan, not going inside but just giving him more of the feeling of having something there. Dan responded in kind and moaned as his hips moved back out. “You with me?”

“Yes. Anatidaephobia.” Dan breathed against Kyle’s neck and then moved closer so he had something to suck on. He found his favourite spot on Kyle’s neck and increased suction until he felt Kyle moan underneath his lips. The hairs of Kyle’s beard was brushing against his chin and it was one of the sexiest things he had ever experienced. 

Kyle felt Dan start to suck on his pulse point and he knew they needed to move before someone came in and found them like this. Kyle’s hand down Dan’s pants and both of them moaning against one another. 

Kyle wished they had a bed or something big enough for both of them to lay on, but maybe that was too much for the first time of them doing this. “Let’s go to the back? A bit more private back there.” 

“Uh huh.” Dan pushed back against Kyle’s fingers and wondered how much better it would feel with Kyle’s fingers inside him. He was impossibly hard and he just wanted everything at once, his thoughts swimming in the best way possible. 

Kyle removed his fingers and waited for Dan to detach himself from his neck. He was going to have a massive mark on his neck and everyone was going to tease him about it.

Kyle went through his bag to grab the lube on the way to the back and rushed to get back there with Dan. 

The divider was closed and Dan pushed Kyle against the door frame, leaning his weight against him and finding his lips. They kissed for what felt like hours until Dan felt Kyle’s hand moving down his jeans and then his pants. They had kicked off their shoes before coming to the back, with Dan kicking off his jeans and pants so they were out of the way. He didn’t know how far they were going to go, but he knew he wouldn’t need them. 

Dan removed Kyle’s jeans and pants as well and they were kicked onto the pile Dan had created. Dan leaned himself back against Kyle and sighed as they met each other. Dan’s hips moved to rub against Kyle’s and he wanted his fingers back. “Please.” 

Kyle unclouded his brain to focus on opening the bottle and getting some lube on his fingers. He stroked both his cock and Dan’s to allow them to move against each other more smoothly before putting more on his fingers to reach behind Dan. 

Dan opened his legs like he had done before and moved in close to Kyle. They could slide against each other so much easier now and it added to the maddening feeling he was experiencing. 

Kyle started kissing Dan but it was too much when he moved his finger inside him and he felt Dan buckle against him. Dan moved his head back to his shoulder and Kyle asked, “Okay?” 

“Amazing.” Dan pressed his hips back against Kyle’s finger and then whined that he lost contact with his cock. Moving in closer and arching his back a bit, he could feel both Kyle’s finger inside him and Kyle’s cock in front of him and he never wanted to move. 

It didn’t hurt. It felt amazing and Dan finally knew what the men in the porns he had watched when he was a teen were experiencing. He wanted another one to feel what Kyle had experienced when Dan did this to him a few weeks ago. 

“Another one.” Dan panted into Kyle’s throat and felt Kyle’s heartbeat underneath his lips. “And then just like before...we move against each other.” 

Kyle was never more grateful for his long arms as he added in a second finger and felt Dan’s warmth squeeze around his fingers. It was better than any woman he had ever been with and he wanted more with him. To feel his around his cock would probably be the death of him. 

Kyle pressed in two fingers and Dan started to feel like he was close. Kyle was full and moving against him, with Dan’s hand around them both. Kyle’s other hand was in his hair and holding the back of his head against Kyle’s shoulder. Dan’s other hand was reaching down to cup Kyle’s balls and the whole world just stopped. 

Kyle felt Dan contracting around his fingers and he lost himself, pressing in harder to Dan’s hand on his cock. He wished they were lying down because his legs were getting weak. He felt good but shaky, like he might pass out in the best way. 

Kyle moved Dan’s head closer to own with the hand on the back of his head and gave him a kiss as they slowly move against one another. Kyle’s fingers were still inside him. It was too much and Dan didn’t know what else to do but kiss Kyle back as gentle as he was kissing him. 

“Okay, it is starting to hurt.” Kyle moved his head back and moved his hips away from Dan’s. Dan’s hand let him go and he both missed the contact but was glad he would relax more. 

Kyle slowly moved his fingers from him and Dan closed his eyes at the sensation. It wasn’t the right angle to find his prostate but Dan could only anticipate how much better it would be when he did. 

“Fuck.” Dan was still panting a bit and was now very aware of everything around them. Their shirts were ruined with stains and his ass felt used. The small back room smelled like them and Dan wondered how many times he would have to be back here before he didn’t instantly remember what they did back here. “Thank you.” 

Kyle closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. He didn’t quite want to leave this feeling but he knew they needed to clean up and figure out what time it was and everything else that went with their job. “You, sir, are most welcome. But, that was just as amazing for me, so thank you.” 

“Don’t like ‘sir’ as a love name.” Dan reached for their clothes and found he could still feel where Kyle’s fingers had been and he keened at the knowledge. 

“You okay?” Kyle opened his eyes to find Dan holding out his clothes to him. 

“I can still feel where you were inside me.” Dan shied his eyes down and smiled to himself. It was a good memory he had now. Thomas was only in his head during that first thought but he didn't think again about him until right this moment. 

“Fucking wicked, innit?” Kyle smiled remembering how he had the same experience afterward. It made him feel so sexual and aware of his body. 

Dan nodded his head and fell into Kyle’s chest again. He didn’t want to leave the room, but he knew he must. They needed to get ready to go on stage. 

“Hey.” Kyle waited for Dan to raise his head and then smiled at him. “I love you.” 

“I know.” Dan wanted to shy his eyes away but he forced himself to keep them on Kyle. He did know. And for the first time in a really long time, he thought maybe everything was going to be okay. 


	9. Chapter 9

The rest of the band and regular crew soon learned that it was best to knock before entering the writing rooms. 

For various reasons. 

Either Dan was so involved in the creative process that he couldn’t be bothered with whatever they were attempting to talk to him about or he had Kyle in there with him. 

Either way, Dan’s attention would not be on the person entering the room and it was best to wait. 

Currently, there was loud giggling noises coming from the small room. They were at yet another festival but this one had a large building for the performing acts to use. The band was given three rooms to use as they wished. 

“Is that Dan in there?” Mark asked entering the main room and addressing Will and Woody. Both had their eyes closed and appeared to be resting sitting up in their chairs. 

It was still early yet and everyone had been woken up early when they entered the festival grounds and were given directions on how the next two days would go. 

Mark, as he had before, was joining them for a few days to help work on the new album. He had yet to join them since Dan and Kyle started their relationship. And he arrived separately from the bus. 

“Why, yes it is.” Will answered opening one eye and then the next seeing Mark hovering near the door. The two rooms were across the hall from one another, with Mark able to hear the laughter the best from the door. “Welcome to the new normal.” 

“He drunk? High?” Mark walked in further and took an empty seat. Dan was typically all business in the recording studio but he had gone out to pubs and house parties before with Dan and saw a whole other side of him. 

“Surprisingly, no.” Will rubbed his eye with his finger and tried to wake himself up further. “Been too busy for all that.” 

“What has gotten into him?” Mark asked hearing a loud cackle coming from across the hall. 

“Kyle.” Woody answered without opening his eyes. It wasn’t a secret among everyone that knew them that Dan and Kyle were together. Woody figured that Mark knew as well, or if he didn’t, Dan would not mind if he did. Mark was an extension of the band in Dan’s mind and he could be trusted. 

“Wood, no need to be rude.” Will laughed to himself. It was likely true though. Obviously, Kyle and Dan were not talking about their sex life but it would be the natural progression of being together. And both had been more giddy and touchy with each other as of late. 

“I didn’t mean it that way, you perv.” Woody opened his eyes and nodded at Mark before he continued. “Just mean that he is happier now, because, you know...he is with someone. It is nice. Less freak outs. Less shouting at us for stupid stuff. More free time.” 

“Good for them.” Mark thought back to whether Dan had given him any hints that he was into Kyle. Outside of Dan saying that Kyle was going to play on the new album because he was loads better with the synths than Dan, Mark would not have guessed that Dan would go for Kyle. He worried about Dan being alone and he thought it was nice that he found someone he could trust. 

Mark asked about a song once that Dan was sharing with him, one that never really went anywhere, and Dan hinted at an experience he didn’t want to talk about. Mark never pushed the topic seeing how uncomfortable it made Dan. 

“You can knock and go in.” Woody gestured toward the door. Speaking from experience. “It is only a bad idea to interrupt them when it is quieter in there.” 

“Oh.” Mark laughed wondering if Woody might have seen more than he wanted to after interrupting them. “Are they at the stage where they just cannot keep their hands off each other?” 

“Attached at the hip.” Will answered and smiled hearing a loud giggle from Kyle. “It is sweet, you know. Makes me miss my girlfriend. Not that we are giggling school girls like them lot, but you know.” 

“I don’t know how you geysers do it.” Mark shook his head as he stood. “Can’t be away from the misses that long. I travel here and there but not the long distance like you lot.” 

“You find ways to cope.” Woody closed his eyes again. His misses was joining them soon. And Will’s had just left a few days ago. 

Mark left them to knock on the door across the hallway. As much as he hated to interrupt them, there was limited time he had with them and he knew Dan would want to make the time count. 

There was a loud giggle again and then quiet. After a longer pause than likely needed to get to the door, the door was opened to see Dan with his hair in disarray. Sat behind him on a sofa, was Kyle with similar hair. 

“You made it!” Dan greeted Mark with a big hug and then pulled him into the room. “I have so much to go through with you. So glad you could come. Made some progress since London. Been a bit inspired.” 

Dan went to open the laptop and sat in a chair away from Kyle, with his back to both of them. 

Dan had not told Mark yet about him and Kyle but Dan was blushing figuring that Mark was likely putting together the pieces. Mark was a mate and Dan was over being ashamed of liking men, but it was still embarrassing. It would be embarrassing if it was a woman in here with him as well. 

“Hiya.” Kyle greeted Mark as he attempted to straighten his hair and fix his clothes at the same time. Dan and him had been kissing and that turned into hands moving. Which turned into finding different parts of their body that were ticklish. 

The room had a sofa and it had been a long time since they had a sofa in a private room. So when the kissing turned into Kyle on his back and Dan on top of him, Kyle opened his legs and wrapped one of them around Dan’s leg. Which was wicked until Dan moved his hand innocently across the back of his thigh and Kyle giggled. He knew Dan’s tickle spot was the left side of his ribs and now Dan knew his was the backside of his thighs. 

The tickle war was on and both had likely given away what they were doing to the whole hallway of rooms near them. 

Mark smiled as he saw both of them were blushing. 

Attempting to ease their embarrassment, Mark started talking about a new act he had heard about and how they might like to reach out to them. 

Kyle excused himself after whispering into Dan’s ear and kissing the top of his head, and telling Mark he would see him later. 

Kyle shut the door on his way out and then stood with his back against the wall near the door. Smiling to himself, Kyle tried to fix his hair more and fully straighten out his clothes. He knew the others were going to take the piss out of him but he didn’t care. 

Dan and him had been a bit more physical with each other over the past two weeks since Kyle fingered Dan. More exploring and getting more comfortable with each other. Especially Dan. Kyle could take Dan’s shirt off when they were fooling around without Dan having a reaction. Well, without a negative reaction. They had taken to showering together when they could as well. 

It was common now if they were alone that hands would lead to certain places.

Dan had a hard line about doing anything on the bus. After the first time they used the back room for Kyle to put his fingers inside him, he couldn’t be back there without wondering if people knew what they had done. 

But private rooms at venues or festivals were open game. 

And anytime they were alone, it was getting harder and harder to keep their hands off one another. 

Kyle knew it would be soon that neither of them could wait any longer and they would give into the want. They were trying to wait for a hotel stay so there would be a bed but that was still a few days away. Kyle didn’t know if they could make it. 

“You sound like teenage girls in there. I hope you realize.” Woody said not opening his eyes. He had heard Kyle walk back through and into the room. 

“Don’t care, mate.” Kyle couldn’t get the smile off his face. He was so fucking gone for him. He just left him and he missed him. Like, almost just wanted to fuck off and go back and pull him in close. 

“It is worse than I thought.” Woody opened his eyes to see Kyle with a grin plastered on his face. It was Kyle’s new look as of late. Dan’s as well. Either they were attached to one another grinning or they were off on their own silently moping and then grinning to themselves.

“Leave them.” Will opened his eyes as well. “They are sweet. Sickeningly sweet, but sweet.” 

“Sorry.” Kyle hugged his arms around his waist and took his eyes off the door across the hall. Dan was working and he needed to allow him to work. “Just...yeah. Just.” 

“Let’s go walk around.” Will stood. “Give loverboy here a chance to burn off some of his restless energy and wake the rest of us lot up.” 

Kyle stopped himself from opening the door and giving Dan another kiss as the three left to go explore.

They found a few of their crew and had them join them as they walked around, but Kyle’s mind was back in the room. Before Dan had found where he was ticklish, Dan was whispering in his ear how much he wanted him. And that he didn’t want to wait much longer to feel Kyle inside him. Now, that was pretty much all Kyle could think about. 

Another festival following travel. 

Another private room. 

Dan was whispering into his ear again. “I don’t want to wait anymore.” 

Kyle pressed his face into Dan’s neck while he tried to process. Dan was underneath him in only his pants and Kyle’s jeans were undone but not pulled off yet. They were meant to be meeting a few others to watch a band on the main stage for that night, but they were not going to make it. 

There was no sofa in this room, but Kyle had taken a spare blanket from the bus and lay it on the ground. He had also packed the lube and condoms in his rucksack. He wanted to be prepared. 

“I have…” Kyle lost his thoughts as Dan bit at his neck and pressed himself up against him. They were both hard and Kyle wasn’t sure if he could make it to inside Dan before he lost his mind. 

They had been teasing each other all day. 

“Get it.” Dan kissed the spot he just bit and told himself not to whine when Kyle’s upper body moved away from his for a second to pull the bag closer to them. Dan moved his leg over Kyle’s to keep him close, just in case he thought he was going to leave.

Surprisingly, Dan was not nervous. They had done this enough that his mind knew it was Kyle. He had not seen or heard Thomas in days. And, every time Dan asked Kyle to stop, which had been rare, Kyle listened. 

Dan knew he was safe with Kyle. 

And that he wanted him. 

Kyle told him multiple times per day how much he loved him and wanted to be with him. Dan had never been happier in his life and he was going to ride the high as long as he could. 

There was a dark part of his brain telling him it just couldn’t last, but he was not giving it attention. 

He was with Kyle and Kyle had removed the rest of their clothing. And now, Kyle’s fingers were moving inside him in a way that felt natural. Kyle had four fingers in yesterday and they both knew Dan was ready. 

Kyle kissed along Dan’s neck and then raised his head to find his eyes. Dan was looking back up at with trust and want. Kyle knew he was there with him and not lost in his head. He had learned to tell the difference.

Aligning them, Kyle closed his eyes briefly at the initial feeling of moving inside. Dan was tight around him and warm, and he wanted to live in the moment. Opening his eyes to make sure Dan was still with him, Kyle smiled. Dan had his eyes closed but it wasn’t in pain or panic. 

Dan wondered if he ever did this again if he would be rushed back to that night when Thomas hurt him or if it would just hurt as it did last time, but Dan was not thinking about either of those things now. He was thinking about Kyle and how much he loved him. 

And about how good it felt to have Kyle slowly moving inside him. Knowing that Kyle loved him and was doing his best to not hurt him. When he was all the way in and Dan could feel Kyle’s stomach against his own, Dan opened his eyes and found Kyle looking at his face. Kyle was making sure he was okay and not in pain. 

Dan squeezed around him and Kyle had to close his eyes. Moaning, he pressed his head against Dan’s underneath him. That was new. Kyle had never felt that before and he knew he wasn't going to last long. 

Centering his thoughts, Kyle kissed near Dan’s eye and asked if he was okay. 

Dan nodded his answer and moved his hips up to press Kyle further into him. That hurt a bit but it went away as his body adjusted. Moving his hips up again, Dan bit underneath his lip and watched as the pleasure moved across Kyle’s face. 

Dan knew Kyle was holding back and not moving yet because he didn’t want to hurt him. It was sweet but Dan wanted Kyle to move. Kyle had brushed along his prostate as he moved inside and he knew if he moved, he could have that feeling back. 

“Kyle.” Dan kissed along Kyle’s cheek as his hands moved down from Kyle’s upper back to his ass. “Move. Please.” 

Kyle felt Dan’s hands on his ass pulling him down against him more and he started moving his hips with Dan’s hands. Kyle’s hands were on either side of Dan holding himself up, but he couldn’t stay that far away anymore. Wrapping his hands around Dan’s upper back, he pulled him in closer as Kyle tucked his head against Dan’s throat and moved his hips more. 

Kyle was literally wrapped around Dan and Dan could feel Kyle moving against that incredible spot inside him. He wanted to cry at how good it was with Kyle. After years of fearing this, Kyle was helping to silence all those fears. 

Kyle pressed into the heat and the tightness and held his hips there as his body shuddered. Kyle was breathing heavily against Dan’s neck and he knew he needed to keep moving to help Dan along, but he needed a few seconds. His heart was racing and he felt a bit lightheaded. 

Dan moved his arms back up to Kyle’s upper back and hugged him tight against him. He didn’t want him to leave him and he was going to hold him close. Raising his hips a few times, Dan bit at Kyle’s throat and lost himself in the moment. 

Kyle was able to gather himself enough to know what Dan came against their stomachs but he couldn’t get himself to move away. He knew Dan was fine underneath him because he was still holding him tight and breathing easier against his throat. Dan would tell him if he had to move. 

Both of them lied there, still wrapped up in one another and breathing together. Neither wanted to move, but the floor was getting hard underneath them. Kyle’s knees were beginning to hurt from the hard floor. 

Holding onto the condom to keep it on since he had softened, Kyle slowly moved away from Dan and instantly missed him. He sat the condom to the side as he went back to his bag and grabbed some cleaning wipes. He thanked his earlier self for being so prepared. 

Dan stayed still as Kyle cleaned his stomach and then lower half. Dan watched as Kyle delicately moved the wipe across his skin and he grew even more in love with him. He was cold now and wanted Kyle back. 

Kyle wiped himself clean and threw it toward the direction he put the condom. He was going to hand Dan his shirt but he was stopped by Dan’s hand on his arm. Dan pulled him back to him and Kyle took the hint. Laying himself back against Dan, Kyle wrapped his arms around Dan’s back and felt him do the same. 

Dan was warm again with Kyle’s body weight on top of him. Both of their faces were pressed against each other’s necks. He lowered his knees and wrapped his calf around Kyle’s lower leg to keep him near. They couldn’t stay in this room forever without someone coming to find them, but Dan wanted to take a few more moments for just them. 

Eventually, they dressed and fixed their hair. They didn’t talk as they moved around one another. Before they left the room, Kyle pushed back a stray hair that wanted to fall onto Dan’s forehead and kissed the spot where the hair had been. 

They joined their friends at the main stage as the set was almost done. Woody and Coop looked at them and both looked like they were going to say something, but Will punched both of their arms and they stayed quiet. 

As the band started a new song, Dan stepped back into Kyle’s space and found his hand in the dark.


	10. Chapter 10

Kyle decided he wanted to be a bit romantic with the next hotel stay. Everything they had done had felt so meaningful with their relationship since it began.

First kiss.

First time touching each other.

First shower together, which was really the first time Dan was allowing himself to be vulnerable and naked with Kyle.

First time for oral sex.

First time for anal sex with Dan.

The next first, anal sex with Kyle, felt like the last ‘first’ they were going to have in awhile.

There was no talk of moving in together, basically because they practically lived together as it were.

Kyle bottoming for Dan was going to be the last of their firsts and Kyle wanted to make it special. Not that all their other experiences were not special, but Kyle wanted to make this one extra special.

And it would be his first time doing anything like it. They had to be careful to not trigger Dan back into his last experience with anal sex, but Kyle was a bit nervous as well.

He wanted that closeness with Dan though. He wanted to know what Dan experienced with Kyle inside him. He really wanted everything with Dan and it was getting ridiculous how much he loved him.

Kyle was planning the hotel event in his head when he heard his phone ring. It was a video chat from his sister.

His sister was visiting with his parents and she rang him to check in.

Dan was sleeping with his head on Kyle’s lap and Kyle was brushing his hand through his hair absentmindedly during the call. They were at yet another festival waiting around for the day to begin. This one was a bit special as well because it was Reading. A festival both Kyle and Dan had attended for years.

Kyle was speaking softly and he put in his headphones so to not disturb Dan. His mother caught on quickly that someone else was likely in the room with him. She smiled and he blushed. And then they switch the topic to something else because Kyle really couldn’t get the blush off his face until they talked about something not related to the head on his lap.

Kyle continued to brush his hands through Dan’s hair long after the video chat ended. They had nowhere to be and Kyle should be sleeping himself. They planned to go out following their performance that night. And, knowing Dan, he was not going to let them sleep until it was likely morning again.

The following night would be their hotel stay. And then off again to another destination.

There was a knock at the door and an older man opened it following Kyle’s response. He had on a staff outfit and was asking if the room needed to be cleaned. Kyle said they had only been in the room for a few hours and it likely did not need cleaning. The man nodded his head and said he would be back soon with their refreshments and other items from their rider.

Kyle thanked him and noticed that the man’s eyes were on Dan. Dan’s face was turned away from the door but anyone could clearly see that he was a man. The older man had a weird look on his face but he soon left.

Kyle figured the man either disapproved of Dan sleeping on him or something else similar. Either way, it was not a concern for him.

Dan woke a few minutes later, his body warm and rested. He had been sleeping more off the bus, with Kyle the perfect pillow. He had a slight cold that was making a tickle in his throat so he had not spoken since they went off stage to save his voice. Festival season was no time to lose your voice. Too many other musicians and industry people watching you to have a shit performance.

Dan slowly opened his eyes and found Kyle looking at him. Kyle’s hand was doing that wonderful thing through his hair and Dan felt enchanted. Like everything was right with the world and they were untouchable. It was a rare feeling and Dan was waiting for it to fade, but each day with Kyle, it continued to grow. It was terrifying but so wonderful.

“Hi.” Kyle smiled down at the sleepy look on Dan’s face. He was starting to romanticize everything about Dan but Dan’s sleepy face was truly beginning to be one of his favourites. Kyle stopped his movement through Dan’s hair and brought his hand to Dan’s face to trace along his eyebrows and then his nose. Dan twitched when Kyle’s finger moved across his upper lip before he bit at it. “No bites.”

“You love my bites.” Dan said without thinking. He could do that now with Kyle. Speak his mind without second guessing himself. He could flirt with him and not spend the rest of the day wondering if he said the wrong thing.

“My mum wondered why it looked like I have been attacked on our family video chat.” Kyle angled his head so Dan could see the marks on his neck that had been accumulating for the past few days. “Might need to start covering them up.”

Dan blushed at that. Kyle’s mum knew he had given those marks to her son. Dan wondered what his mum would think if she saw the same marks on his throat. She would be happy for him, he was sure of it. He didn’t know if she needed the added stress right now. Maybe when the doctors give them better news. Maybe he would tell her then.

He wasn’t sure about telling his father.

Maybe he could start with his sister?

Dan’s thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door and Kyle telling the person to come in.

Kyle nodded at the older man from before and saw that he had a rolling cart full of items for the room just as he had said.

Dan turned his head to where Kyle was looking and everything stopped.

Thomas had been gone for his mind for ages and there he was filling up their tables with items from their rider. But it couldn’t be Thomas because Thomas was a businessman that worked in London.

Kyle noticed how Dan’s breathing had changed and his face went ghost pale. His eyes were on the man, tracking his movements as he moved items from the cart to the table. Kyle wondered what had sparked the change in Dan’s demeanor from lovestruck to petrified.

“Dan?” Kyle asked with his hand moving back through his hair again. Dan didn’t respond to his touch but continued to track the man until he turned around and Dan stopped breathing for a minute.

“Have a nice day, lads.” The older man said with a smile until his eyes went to Dan. “You alright there?”

The man in front of him was not the man from his dreams or his imagination. That man had been the version of Thomas from that night. Frozen in time. This man was the older version of Thomas, with grey hair and more lines on his face.

Dan looked to Kyle to see if Kyle heard the man as well but Dan couldn’t ask the question. His words frozen.

“Vocal rest.” Kyle answered for Dan after seeing the look on Dan’s face and how he seemed like he was getting worse. His breathing was shallow and he was getting paler. “We are fine. Thank you.”

The man gave them a concerned look but left.

Once the door was fully closed, Dan removed himself from Kyle and the sofa and stood. He knew he needed to stand but he didn’t know what he needed to do next.

That was him. Kyle had spoke to him. That wasn’t just someone in his imagination. That was Thomas.

“Talk.”

Dan heard Kyle speaking from a distance and he turned his body to find him. His eyes were not working and he felt like he did before he fainted. He needed to sit down but he couldn’t find the sofa.

“Kyle?” Dan voice shook as he tried to find Kyle. Before he could move, Kyle had his arms around him and he was being pulled against his chest so his head rested on his shoulder. Dan closed his useless eyes and tried to match Kyle’s breathing patterns. It took him a long time to get it right but soon his breathing found the right pace and his heart settled down.

Kyle heard the change in Dan’s breathing and gave him a few more minutes before he tried talking again. “Dan? You with me?”

“Fuck.” Dan closed his eyes harder and pushed his head into Kyle’s throat. He smelled like he always did and the smell was grounding. His thoughts were starting to settle and he wondered if he could make a sentence. Trying, Dan kept his eyes closed and himself close to Kyle. “Did you see him?”

“The man with the cart filled with snacks, water, and alcohol?” Kyle continued his hand up and down Dan’s back, with his other hand holding onto Dan’s neck. Dan was leaning most of his weight on him and he was holding both of them up. Had the man caused this?

“Yes. You saw him as well, right? He was there?” Dan moved his head back and turned toward where he had been standing. Pointing in the direction of the table, “Right there? He was there? You saw him?”

“Yes.” Kyle heard Dan’s voice getting faster as he spoke and he wondered if he was working himself up again. “Hey, deep breaths, baby.”

“What did he look like?” Dan ignored Kyle’s concern. Maybe Dan’s brain just made him look like Thomas. Maybe it was a different person. What would he be doing here? “Give me details.”

“Older man. Dark hair but turning grey. About your height but a bit shorter. He was dressed in a green staff uniform shirt. He, I dunno, had a name badge? What else do you need? Dark boots.” Kyle watched as Dan’s face went paler as he spoke. He tried to remember what the name tag had said but he really wasn’t paying attention enough.

“Fuck.” Dan pushed himself away from Kyle and turned to find the door. He needed to talk to him. Or hit him. Probably not hit him.

Kyle felt Dan move away but before he could react Dan was out the door and he was following him. He found him staring at the man in the room near their room. There was no one else in the room yet and the man had not seen them staring at him from the door.

“Did you use to work in the city? London?” Dan found a strength in his voice that he was glad for because he was not going to be an emotional wreck in front of this man.

“You startled me.” The man jumped at Dan’s voice and turned. After a second, he seemed to process what Dan had said. “Yes. How did you know that?”

“Doesn’t matter right now.” Dan took a step further into the room and he felt his hands tighten into fists. He wasn’t going to hit him but he needed to keep the pressure to stay aware. “You had a flat in central London. Your name is Thomas. You had a boring job that you hated but you said it paid well. You had a car. A posh looking car that only had two doors. You went to a pub on August 3, 2007 and chatted up a scared looking lad with wild hair. You bought him drinks. You took him to your flat and continued to pour alcohol down his throat. You brought him to your bedroom and you laid him on your bed. You took his clothes away and you pushed into him. He said it hurt but you didn’t care. You made him bleed and then you threw his clothes at him. You used him and then just threw him away. You hurt me and then fucking threw _me_ away.”

The man quickly got over the shock of being shouted at and turned red in the face as Dan continued to talk. “You sound just like that pansy in accounting. I didn’t do anything wrong. He came to my office on his own free will and he said he wanted to be with me. Then he cried to the CEO like a little pansy and HR started talking to people. The other pansies in that office all turned against me and they fired me. Now I work this shit job taking care of little pansies like you because no one will hire me after they all lied on me.”

“You are horrible.” Dan took another step further into the room and tensed when the man took a few steps toward him. “A horrible waste of a life. You have no idea what damage you do to people. Do you even care?”

“Just like that stupid head doctor at the hospital when I tried to make it right with the CEO.” Thomas clenched his fists against his sides. “‘You need to think about others, Thomas.’ ‘You need to have empathy, Thomas.’ Just like that cow of a mother I had. ‘You can’t hurt people when you are angry, Thomas.’ You all need to just leave me alone.”

“No.” Dan shook his head and walked further into the room. He didn’t know what he wanted to do but he wanted Thomas to feel intimidated. He wanted him to feel small and stupid like Thomas had treated him many years ago. “You made me question everything about myself.”

“I’m not responsible for your life.” Thomas pushed his way past Dan and then Kyle as he left the room. The cart abandoned in his wake.

Dan looked down to where Thomas had touched his arm and then found himself in a room. Kyle was near the door and he didn’t look like himself.

“That was him?” Kyle asked finally finding his voice. He had watched the whole thing play out in front of him like a horror film. He saw both of them advancing toward one another but he was not going to step in unless Dan needed him to do something. “The man that hurt you?”

“Yes.” Dan felt all his emotions hit him at once and he felt the tears in his eyes. Not knowing what else to do, he sat down on the ground and pulled his knees up against his chest.

He never thought he would actually see him again.

There had always been a part of him that wished he would see him again and Thomas would apologize for what he did. Tell him that he was an idiot and he was sorry that he hurt him. That there was a reason he used him like he had. But he knew that it would have likely went just as it did. Thomas would have no remorse and no insight to what he had caused. And he wouldn't have remembered him. Because he was nothing to him but a hole to fuck.

Kyle sat next to him on the floor and hovered his hand over Dan’s knees, not knowing if he wanted to be touched right then.

Dan moved himself closer to Kyle and wrapped himself around him, pulling him in closer.

They sat on the floor of the room that was not their own for a few more minutes and then Dan pulled them up to stand.

Thomas was right though. He was not responsible for Dan's life. Dan was responsible for it. If he wanted it to change, it was on him. He had learned that over the past few months. He was in control of himself.

He wanted to get lost in music and not think.

And he wanted to get lost in music with the man he loved.

“Did you do this?” Dan asked walking into the hotel room and dropping his bag off to the side.

The room was dark with soft lights scattered around the room. There was soft music playing and flower petals on the bed. Near the bed was champagne in an ice bucket with a stand.

Dan didn’t know if he wanted to gag, laugh, or swoon.

“I know. I know.” Kyle set his bag next to Dan’s on the floor as he wrapped himself around Dan’s back and put his chin over Dan’s shoulder. His long arms wrapped around Dan’s waist and pulling Dan back to him. “I told them I wanted to make it romantic and they talked me into some Honeymoon Package? I told them it would be a bit much but they said that, and I quote, ‘Your lucky lady is going to be swept away when they see it.’ I just had to see what had the power to sweep people away after that.”

“You are too much.” Dan laughed turning himself around so he was front to front with him. “But I love it.”

“Thank goodness because I’m kinda loving it myself.” Kyle smiled before giving him a kiss. The kiss continued and soon hands were places, searching for more. “Can we move this to the bed?”

“A bed?” Dan laughed and kicked off his shoes while he took hold of Kyle’s shirt and pulled him back onto the bed with him. Dan moved back until his head hit the pillow and Kyle settled on top of him, fitting into the space between his legs quite nicely. “We haven’t had a bed in ages.”

“I know.” Kyle smiled kissing along Dan’s neck until he reached his ear. “I had to hurt my knees on that hard floor because you just wouldn’t wait and now you get the softness of a bed as you top me? Not fair.”

Turning them around so Kyle was underneath him, Dan kissed Kyle’s nose before moving his head back to look at him. “You didn’t try to talk me out of it. And it was nice. Though, it cannot compete with this romcom storyline scene you have going on right now.”

Kyle laughed as Dan picked up some of the flower petals and dropped them down so they floated around Kyle’s face. It was helping to ease some of his nerves about their hotel stay. “Dan?”

Dan watched as the petals settled back on the bed. “Yes?”

“This music is absolute shit.” Kyle laughed more as they both turned their heads to find where the music was coming from and how to make it stop.

“Not as bad as ours.” Dan found a remote on the nightstand near the bed and pushed the power button, ending the music.

“Hey, I happen to know the creative force behind the band and I disagree with your review.” Kyle smiled up as Dan settled back on top of him. Dan’s hand was playing with the neckline of his shirt, with his finger brushing along his neck every now and then. “Be nice to him.”

“Let’s not talk about music. Or the band. Or touring. Or recording times. Or anything that is not inside this room.” Dan let out a breath of air as he moved his hand up and he could brush back the hair falling onto Kyle’s ear. “Actually, let's not talk at all.”

“What if I want to tell you how much I love you?” Kyle raised his head to kiss along Dan’s jaw. “And how I want to feel you move inside me until I can’t think of anything else.”

Dan felt his face go red but he didn’t want to linger in that feeling. They had a free night and he wanted Kyle. Kyle wanted him.

Dan kissed Kyle’s lips softly and then moved to find Kyle’s bag. His hands were trembling as he found what he needed and soon he was back on the bed. His trembling hands working on removing clothing and finding places to touch that would make Kyle moan.

Dan was gentle with him and took longer than he needed to move inside him. He asked him three times if he was okay before Kyle felt him all the way inside him. It was intense and it was them, so he was hard against his stomach and felt like he was going to finish embarrassingly early.

Kyle had told him he was okay multiple times, but Dan still felt like he was crushing him. Maybe Kyle should move on top of him, but he didn’t know how to say that to him. Kyle squeezed around him and Dan lost of all his thoughts. Fuck, he would just live here and be content for the rest of his life.

Kyle moved his hips to meet Dan’s and felt something spark inside him. He was a man fucking another man and it was wonderful. And the best thing was it was Dan. Finding Dan’s lips, he focused on moving his hips and kissing him.

As most of their time together went, it was over much too soon and they were left lying wrapped up in one another. Dan could feel Kyle’s heartbeat clenching around his cock and he lost the ability to think anymore for a long time.

Kyle was being held down to the bed with Dan’s weight on top of him and he wanted to stay there forever. Dan was still hard inside of him, but he knew he had came because he did the breathy moan thing he does when he orgasms.

After a shared shower and a few glasses of champagne, they pushed away all the flower petals and wrapped themselves back up in one another on the large, comfortable bed.

Dan’s hand was holding onto the back Kyle’s shirt and he found it was the perfect time to tell him what he needed to say. “Kyle?”

“Yes.” Kyle moved in closer and brushed his nose against Dan’s as their heads laid on the same pillow. It was either the alcohol or being so close to Dan, or the combination of both of them, but he felt warm and cozy. “Present and accounted for.”

“I never thought I would get to have this.” Dan found Kyle’s eyes and made sure he was listening to him. “Flower petals on a bed. Fizzy wine on ice.”

“Fuck off.” Kyle laughed and tried to move closer but found he couldn't, he was already pressed up as tight as he could.

“No. No.” Dan’s words slurred a bit. “Love. I never thought I could have love. That anyone would want to love me. I love that you love me enough to make flowers die and bubbly wine get cold. Like the films, you know? Love.”

“You deserve everyone to love you.” Kyle’s words were slurring a bit as well. “But not like I love you. They cannot know what it feels like when you are inside them. Just me. Only me, right?”

“Only you.” Dan smiled and pressed his head against the pillow. “You can never leave me now. You know that, right?”

“Okay.” Kyle smiled as he kissed Dan’s nose and then closed his eyes against the pillow. “Same for you. No leaving.”

“Where would I go?” Dan's tone was sad at the thought. His mind drunk on the champagne and Kyle and unable to process correctly.

“Nowhere without me.” Kyle reassured him hearing the sad tone in Dan's voice.

“Okay. I really love you. Like more than anything.” Dan closed his eyes knowing Kyle wasn't leaving.

“Night.” Kyle smiled as Dan's hand tightened his grip on his shirt. Like he was going anywhere.

“Night.” The word lingered in the room until it was filled with soft breathing sounds of two people completely wrapped up in one another. 


End file.
